Living in a Jurassic World

WARNING: This article contains spoilers for Jurassic World!

It's only been a week since the release of Jurassic World. The credits have barely stopped scrolling, and the bodies are still warm, but it's hard in today's world not to immediately wonder: what's next? I think I know.

As The Lost World and Jurassic Park III have shown us, making a sequel is no simple matter, especially when that sequel has no choice but to be massively different from the original.

Viewers wanted to watch a theme park get destroyed, see the zoo-keepers get eaten, and marvel at the absolute loss of control in an environment that assured you everything was safe. The sequel has to continue the notion that the theme park was a bad idea, but here's the problem:

The theme park was an awesome idea, and it's exactly what we all wanted to see.

If your movie ends by saying that the very thing we all want is unsustainable, then the follow-up to that story can't adhere to an important rule about sequels: it's the same, but different.

One of the main complaints that people make about sequels is usually that they are too similar to the original to be worth it, not enough is new. Well the Jurassic Park franchise has the opposite problem. Everything is too different, not enough is familiar.

Because the park was closed, and everyone agreed it was a bad idea, the only aspect of Jurassic Park that could be continued in it's sequels was the notion of dinosaurs existing together with man. As a result, they had to contrive reasons for them to come face to face. We couldn't revisit the thrills of dinosaur-themed rides or the optimistic pseudo-science of cloning, because we'd already destroyed all that. At best we could plop Jeff Goldblum on an island, this time an animal preserve, with too much talk about the ethics of creating an attraction out of living things. It was too sour, too bland, and most importantly, it was too different, it didn't hit the same exciting notes, and it marked the beginning of the decline that was continued by Jurassic Park III. The third entry almost completely abandoned that idea of even having much of a story at all! They seemingly realized that it was impossible to touch or even approach the original, so instead they just found an excuse to quickly get to Dinosaur Island, and almost as quickly, run off it.

Only the passage of time and the love of nostalgia allowed us to create a true sequel to Jurassic Park with Jurassic World. This movie so perfectly hit "it's the same, but different" by taking the theme park and finally opening it! Taking the pseudo-science and running wild with it by creating a wholly original dinosaur! It gets to do the impossible: it gets to be Jurassic Park, which is what we really wanted. We just wanted to do that exact thing again, see the colorful nonsense of Disney World get trampled by the attractions. And as a result, I predict we're going to have the same problem with sequels.

Now that Jurassic World is presumably closed, where do we go? Well, the movie sort of tells us. In what was presumably an effort made to set up potential sequels, we have geneticist Dr. Henry Woo frustratedly declare, "it was always me. I've been here from the beginning" (Not a direct quote, obviously)! He's last seen flying off the island in a helicopter, most likely travelling directly to the sequel. Could he eventually be our main human enemy? It was mentioned that he was secretly working with Vic Hoskins, the head of a militaristic security team, to create unknown new versions of dinosaurs, for the purposes of being sold as weapons. Hoskins even briefly gestures to a monitor that seems to display a super-sized version of a Tyrannosaurus Rex! Could we one day see a super-soldier-serum version of the crowd favorite? It seems inevitable.

Does this mean that in the sequel we will see the often-threatened story of dinosaurs being used for military purposes? Are we finally going to get a version of the notorious Dinosaurs-With-Guns story (see: Studio Rejects' podcasts about Jurassic Park 4)? I think it's likely. It's always seemed like a horrible idea, but I think if the same creative team behind Jurassic World is taking their stab at the story, it will be palatable, though certainly less appealing (or interesting) than their first effort, for all the same old reasons. But I think this disappointing movie could be the set up for the greatest finale possible.

By finally taking the dinosaurs out of the cages and off the island, life will, uh, find a way. At the end of Jurassic World 2: Boring War Dinos, obviously the inevitable will happen: the dinosaurs will turn against their "masters," and get loose. I think they will manage to overpower whatever military force Dr. Henry Wu has been helping, and they will begin to take over the planet, setting the stage for the extinction of mankind!

It's been a frequent talking point in the movies that "dinosaurs had their chance" but they were made extinct by mother nature. In the original movies, Dr. Alan Grant even suggests that were it not for this extinction event, perhaps Raptors would be the dominant species on the planet. Well, thanks to the work of Dr. Henry Wu, we've given dinosaurs a second chance. Not only that, but we've actually made them better! By filling in the gaps of their DNA with that of other animals, we've actually imbued them with abilities they wouldn't have naturally. They aren't even dinosaurs, technically, but they're definitely above us on the food chain.

In Jurassic World 3 it's world-wide pandemonium as the dinosaurs migrate across the globe, wiping out human-kind. We don't even have to contrive a reason to get Jeff Goldblum or any other character to come back to the dinosaurs, the dinosaurs will come to them!

I can't think of a bigger, better note to close the franchise on. It may not be as satisfying as travelling to an amazing theme park on a beautiful island (and destroying it), but at least it would pack the screen with as much mayhem as the budget could allow! Imagine raptors rampaging in malls and stadiums! Pteranodons flying over your house! Hearing a T Rex walking up your street! We can never revisit or recreate Jurassic World, but we wouldn't need to! We would be living in it!

 

If you have any thoughts or comments about this article or idea, feel free to let me know, I'm @WillRogers2000 on twitter!

I host the podcasts Will and Bobby Know Everything, Studio Rejects, and Book Club Shmook Club, and this is legitimately what I think the trajectory is for the franchise, based on a conversation I had with my co-host Bobby. As corny as it may be to take Jurassic World (the park) and turn it into Jurassic World (the planet) it makes sense following from the logic of the franchise, and it would actually be possible with today's special effects. Plus I kind of like the corniness of the word-play. You can hear me freak out more about Jurassic Park on this week's Studio Rejects, where we spend 3 hours (don't worry: there's a Table of Contents of sorts) talking about dinosaurs!

Thanks for reading!

Fox's Gotham has a Joker Problem

In starting up this new blog, I've been planning to write an article about the state of Batman (as well as a rather big Bat-project in the coming months), which makes the following news all the more interesting to me:

Today it was announced that Fox's new show Gotham will introduce a potential Joker each week, meaning that in literally every episode we will see someone who seems like they'll one day be Batman's greatest enemy. But only one of them can become The Joker. The question is: which one?

Conceptually, I like it. Functionally, I think it'll be distracting and a little bit annoying.

Before I explain, I need to quickly express my disappointment that this was announced. Imagine people slowly coming to realize that Gotham forshadows The Joker every episode. The knowledge would spread slowly, and, like a standard fan theory on the internet, most people wouldn't believe it. It would seem too ridiculous

However, eventually fans would point out that's exactly what's brilliant about it: The Joker has no singular identity, so rather than suggesting that he has some unknown origin, he's given a million origins. It's a sort of outside-in examination of the character. Maybe everyone has the capacity to become that monster.

The debate would be the best part of it, never knowing whether or not it was completely intentional. As a huge Batman fan, I'm certainly planning on checking out the pilot, but considering how busy and distracted I usually am (see: 4 podcasts a week, and several secret projects), I'm almost definitely not going to watch the whole season. However, if I heard a theory about the Joker popping up on the show (in seemingly impossible ways? Appearing as many people? Almost blipping onto the screen like Tyler Durdan?), I'd have to watch more. They'd have me.

It's like The Joker is an external entity that almost inhabits everybody, looking for the perfect place to stay and flourish. Why are there so many people that exhibit his tendencies unless he's a part of everyone? Again, in theory, I think this is a good idea.

However, I still think the way they're doing this whole show is a little silly. It's just a bit too convenient to think that years before Batman existed, literally every single person that grows up to fight or befriend him is involved in a massive plot. It's actually kind of Muppet Babies-ish, so I kind of wish they'd just make this show into a huge "what-if" story.

I say completely change the formula. We're too familiar with the standard "boy loses his parents and grows up to be Batman" story. What if Bruce Wayne died? What if someone else became Batman first? Or what if there were an earlier hero who influenced Bruce?

I'm sure the show will be well produced and entertaining, it just seems so intent on not taking any risks, even at the expense of logic. So instead, I'd vote they go fucking big and take a risk.

However, perhaps this is their way of doing just that. By having such a complex Joker origin running simultaneous to the main plot, they're certainly covering new, potentially deep ground. The Joker has many possible origins, he could have come from anywhere, he could be anyone.

Of course, they should definitely never reveal exactly who becomes The Joker. Even if the show runs for 10 years (and therefore we see something like 200 possible Jokers [one per episode, really?]), it should end without the creation of the Joker or any establishing shot clarifying exactly who he is.

Don't get me wrong, this is a good idea. Just not for a TV show about young Bruce Wayne/Jim Gordon.

It's ridiculous to try and reference a particular piece of Joker iconography per episode. How much can there really be? Is there enough to justify doing this once per episode? Is there enough that is so immediately recognizable while remaining subtle (I have to imagine we'll end up seeing smiling fish in the background or something. Seriously, you can only do purple pants/mad grinning so many times).

Although, here's a counter argument: maybe they'll reference every previous version, from Cesar Romero (a dude with a painted mustache??) to Heath Ledger (greasy hair? War paint?). That'd at least be cool to see.

BUT

It's not only distracting for a viewing audience, it's distracting as a narrative. It's ancillary. Disconnected. What I mean is that since none of our main characters can possibly predict the appearance of The Joker, presumably no one will be paying attention to the fact that there are a hundered people all acting vaguely similar, converging into a weird maniac clown. This means it's only meant to be picked up as a time consuming easter egg by the audience, which quite frankly does this concept a disservice.

I mentioned earlier that the beauty of this who-is-The-Joker idea is seeing the "multiple choice" origin in a different way. Where before it was a metaphor (he seemed to recall different versions of a prior life), now it would be literal. Instead of the multitude of origins being something inside the character, it's something external. There are literally many possible people who could become this monster. I love the implication that something about The Joker is inevitable or innately inside us all (all it takes is one bad day).

As corny as that is, this is a wonderful concept for a comic book miniseries. From what I can tell, this will just be a casual gag. Which means it likely lack the exploration it deserves as a concept, and that it really has no place on this show.

Then again, this is all conjecture based on a fucking sentence of an article, so who knows, maybe it'll be mind-blowing. Comic book fans are notoriously picky, so no show/movie/book is going to please 100% of the audience. It's possible that this show is just not for me.

What do you think of this idea? How do you expect it to be handled? Do you like having this announced or would you have preferred to discover the trend on your own? My interest in Batman is certainly well documented (see: Book Club Shmook Club's episode about Batman Year One and The Killing Joker), and I'd love to debate this new direction!

First Things First (I'm the Realist)

I've decided that 3 podcasts, and multiple secret side projects just aren't enough for me. I might want to write good old-fashioned blog posts/essays again.

Being that the internet is eternal, but tastes change, I've got several old blogs that are now little more than ghost towns. Even still, I'm a completionist, and I want all my writing to be housed under the same roof.

I had considered for a while, simply posting a link to my older blog(s), but I quickly decided that I'm far too obsessed with structure to do that, so instead I've completely imported all my old posts, essays, and Scary Story Times right here on WB2045.com! From this point on, everything will be new, and I will not shackled to my past writing, nearly all of which is available just beyond this sort of transitional post.

I'm sure a lot of the old stuff is going to be embarrassing, but everything always is, right?

I think it's worth your time.

Now then, time for something new!

Scary Story Time - March 2012

Hey guys, today is the 13th of the month, so as I promised, here's another scary story from the internet!

Quick disclaimer: I’m a really big fan of horror movies and scary stories. Recently I’ve been finding a lot of interesting little scary stories written anonymously by people on the internet, so I decided to start sharing some of the ones I like. You should know, before you read on, that I did not write any of these stories, unless otherwise noted. You should also know that I won’t always be posting that I enjoy 100%. There could be a ten page story that I post because I like one sentence of it. In that case, I assume I’ll explain why I posted horse-shit and what merit I see in it. Sometimes, I’ll post “scary” stories that I hate, think are stupid, or maybe even funny. But more than that, you should really know that some of these stories may be somewhat graphic, so just steel yourself for anything, especially poor spelling and grammar (I don’t edit these stories). No matter what, though, I hope you enjoy them too, and if you know any stories or sources, please share them with me. Also, if you have any requests, just ask, I have a huge archive of this stuff!

Alright, so this month I've got one of the most bizarre, but nontheless plausible stories from my collection. This one is pretty freaky, but instead of being truly scary, it's more unsettling and unnerving. When I picture the man in the story, I basically think of every weird person I've ever met in my life. And there are a lot. I feel like most people are not that far from being completely insane. Think about how many people share a few too many details of their personal lives with you. Think of every person who has cornered you at a party or every clerk at a store who has rambled on and on. Think about every a stranger remembers you from the last time they saw you (We actually discuss it in the podcast I host (click here for part one, click here for part two).

It's incredibly common, and it's not hard to imagine that taken to the extreme. You always hear stories about somebody being stalked. Here's another, I hope you like it:

The Peacoat Man

Last fall I moved up into the city with a bunch of my friends and boyfriend, and took a semester off to do pretty much whatever I wanted and have a job on the side to keep me under a roof. I held a semi-okay-but-not-so-much job in the center of the city, and half of my shifts were until midnight or 1 AM. I am a small girl you see, I am 5' 0" and 108lbs. Wouldnt take too much to scoop me up and run away. One night, my store was really dead, but of course my money hungry manager made me stay and keep the entire building open. I was by myself downstairs working as a cashier, doing nothing except bouncing some glitter ball I snagged from the novelty rack. I heard the west entrance door open, and a man with a black pea coat walked in with his eyes fixated on me with the creepiest half smile I ever saw. He never looked away even walking over, and me, getting nervous kept looking away and every time I'd look back hed still be walking in my direction looking straight at me. Eventually I cracked a smile, but it was more of a nervous smile rather than a welcome. He then seemed to get extremely excited, with the craziest smile across his face and said, "Oh, well good evening miss" I laughed nervously and asked him if he needed help finding anything since it was 11:30 at night, so wandering around at this time wasn't usually the case. People that normally came in at this time usually knew exactly what they wanted. He, did not. He said he did not, but as he walked by me he still had his head turned staring at me smiling like a little kid who just heard the ice cream truck. I had my earpiece in, and let the other employees know there was a bit of a weirdo in the store and I thought it would end at that. About 20 minutes later, he came back around, creepily bouncing in his walk, on his tiptoes to look at me past the shelving with that smile on his face. As I watched him literally skip over to my register, I felt kind of sick. Every so often Id get a random creep, but this guy stuck out for some reason. He came up to me and pushed a red journal in my direction. I tried to avoid making much eye contact with him, but as I was looking down at the journal I could tell he was staring at me. He began telling me I was beautiful, and how I could be stuck working in a store like this, late at night, all by myself. He wiped his nose with his sleeve and asked, "So, you live around here?" I said not really, and work was a bit of a hike for me, and left it at that. He then kept asking about where I lived, and tried to 'sneakily' ask how I got to work everyday. I avoided answering any questions directly, or gave him pretty vague answers, but he just wasnt having it. He then began telling me about things he was going to do to his 'new wife' and I didnt really know what to say. I was all by myself. Eventually he left, and there had been a customer behind a shelf that had heard everything and asked if I was alright. I said I was a little creeped out, but sometimes I'd get people like this, so I didnt want it to bother me very much. But I was certainly wrong about this guy. I got out of work at 1 AM, walked the same 4 blocks to the train like I always do, and waited underground for 25 minutes for the next train. I was all alone, with my oversized messanger bag and my phone in my hand. Nothing really seemed out of the usual, but I was always on my toes when I got out that late because where I was located was full of great people during the day, but as soon as the sun went down it was like the zombies would come out. I told my roommates and boyfriend about the guy as soon as I got home, and that I had to get to bed since I had to work the next day. So anyway, whatever, I wake up really late, get all my shit together and run out the door. I walked about 2 blocks to get to the train, and I realized that I had forgot my phone. I neeeever forget my phone. I fumbled through my purse hoping it was just at the bottom somewhere since it was black and so was the inside of my bag. I groaned and rolled my eyes, and when I looked up, I saw the man in the peacoat across the tracks looking at me. I was 6 miles away from work. Nobody would ever get on or off this stop unless they lived here. My stomach instantly dropped, and I began walking in the opposite direction towards the townline with streets full of people. Alrighty. Well anyway, now I was kind of panicking but I didnt really show it. I just kept walking. Where I was walking towards was a very well-lit area with little shops up and down the street. My favorite Halloween store was only around a 15 minute walk, so I thought I'd head there for the time being. Halfway through, I tripped on a lopsided sidewalk block. I didnt fall flat on my face or anything, but I did look up to see if anyone saw me. I looked across the street, and the peacoat man was there. But when I looked over, he turned around and was pretending to look for something with his back turned towards me. And at the time, I couldnt even think of what was 'the right thing to do'. I was just nervous. And I had no phone. I got to the Halloween store and decided to stay in there for awhile, and put a bunch of baskets together for my family back home when I went to visit them. Halloween is bigger in my family than Christmas. I was probably in there for about an hour and a half, and when I walked out it was nearly dark. I turned the corner in which another train stop was, and the peacoat man was standing in front of the store reading a newspaper. Now I knew I was 100% in trouble. This had been a total of 2 hours now since I had left my house, and it occurred to me that I didnt contact work. And the way I had turned from the first train stop, there was NO WAY this guy 'just so happened' to be going the same direction and be waiting the same amount of time outside of each place. I ran into a drugstore and just looked around a little bit more. I looked at everyone shopping in there and wondered who I should tell. For some reason I felt like if I told somebody what was happening, they wouldnt believe me or take me seriously. I just started thinking negatively while really starting to panic. I walked outside, and there again, across the street was the man waiting on a bench looking straight at me. I started speeding up down the road, and noticed he was doing the same on the opposite side from the corner of my eye. He had that same smile he had the night before, and I let out a little yelp that I tried covering up, and my eyes started swelling up. I ran to the closest building I could find, and it was some sort of closed doctors office. I shook the door handle but it was locked. I saw somebody behind the counter and I started banging on the windows telling them to let me in, as I see the guy getting faster on the other side of the street not that far down from me. Finally I get the guys attention and he lets me in. I ran behind the desk and called 911, and through the blinds I could see the man standing there in front of the building. Two minutes later the police come, and just like that the man is gone. The only way I could describe the man was that he had a black peacoat. He was too generic looking. The first cop I talked to thought I was just some girl who probably met him at a bar, while I'm pleading to get me out of there and Im not even old enough to step foot in a bar, nor do I even drink. I had never seen this man in my life other than him coming into work the night before. I get into one of the cop cars, and he starts driving around in the opposite direction of the other cruisers that split up. We drove around, as did the other cruisers, and nobody of the description was seen. The cop lets me off at a stop and waits until the train comes so I can head to work a few hours late. I get on the train, and it was very obvious I had been crying. 15 minutes pass, and its finally my stop. The peacoat man was sitting on a bench on the outbound. I remember thinking, 'No fucking way is this happening, youve got to be serious'. A good amount of people got off the train with me, and I wasnt sure if he was aware I got off the train. I knew there were only two options, he either had no idea I got off yet, or he watched as each car came in and was now pretending he didn't notice me, hoping Id be dumb enough to just keep going. He looked up turning his head slightly sideways and just grinned at me, knowing exactly what he was doing, and also fully aware I knew what was going on. Again, in a panic, I didn't know what to do. I ran to the closest train possible, which wasn't even my line, and got on it anyway. I was the only one in the car, and I sat on the floor in the back by the stairs by myself and cried. Eventually I had to switch lines to get back home, and I did not see the man. When I got off at my stop, I ran for my life up the street hoping he wasnt already waiting for me like he was the other 3 places. He was always a step ahead of me. I got home, and all the lights were off. I started pouting up the stairs when one of my roommates appeared out of the corner and said all the others had left searching for me since work had called hours before saying I never showed up. Anyway, skipping a bunch of dumb stuff, I still had work the next day, regardless of being completely exhausted. I made sure I had my phone, I was walked to the train stop, and luckily my shift started midday. Work is fine, and then it got dark. The 'employee rotation' made it my turn to be at the front of the store. About an hour in, the stores dead again, and there I am standing and bouncing that same stupid ball blankly staring out the window. And who do I see meeting eyes with me all the way at the end of the street? The peacoat man. My mouth dropped as I watched him look inside to see there were other people working. He had that stupid fucking grin on his face, but shook his head as if he were saying, 'youre lucky'. I told one of the supervisors, and he said he wouldnt call the police if I werent 100% sure. How in gods name would I forget that face by now? I ran out of work, 4 hours into my shift, took a taxi home and never went back. I lost my job, but I didnt even care. Weirdly enough, I was right for the most part what I had thought earlier. Every person I had approached about the man, either didnt believe my story was what I claimed, or 'maybe' it was something else. I never went near that part of the city again, nor did I see the peacoat man ever again. :( Just like last time I left out what the journal said by mistake. It said, 'I married a virgin, isn't that wonderful?'

That story is too fucking awesome. Aside from the last line which sucks and doesn't really make sense, I get completely engrossed in it. It just evokes a sense of paranoia, feeling trapped, and the unexplained that I think is universally understandable. In a lot of ways, actually, it reminds me of the story in THIS POST. You never find out what the guy's deal actually is.

It's enough to make you want to look over your shoulder.

Now I'm getting all spooked. I bet you are too. But calm down. Here, I'll help you. This is a picture of a pig eating an ice cream cone:

And here he is with crumbs on his face!

(Photo credit: Cute Overload)

All better. I hope you guys enjoyed Scary Story Time this month, look forward to it again in April! If you need more spooky stuff, just click on the "Scary Story Time" category in the sidebar to get previous installments, or if you want more lighthearted spooky stuff, check out the episode of my podcast Will and Bobby Know Everything centered on The Supernatural! You can also find WBKE on iTunes!

Jury Duty and The Stenographer

A month ago I got a summons in the mail stating that I would have to go to the local courthouse for jury duty. Two days ago, I went.

For that month long wait, I probably thought about the upcomming date at least twice a day. I wasn't pumped about missing a day of work, and I definitely wasn't excited about the possibility of being selected for a case.

The night before I went, I found out that they were actively trying to select the jury for the Tyler Clementi case.

I got more nervous.

I asked my girlfriend, Allie, if she would drop me off at the courthouse, and on the way there, we listened to the radio, when, amazingly enough, an NPR reporter brought up the case! He said that they were having a difficult time assembling a jury for the case, because many of the potential juror's had a viewpoint that got them instantly dismissed.

While Allie and I stared at each other in amazement, the reporter elaborated that many of the jurors believe that the existence of the trial itself suggests that the defendant must be guilty of something. Why would they have a trial unless he did something to warrant it?

There it was. The key to my freedom.

We pulled up to the courthouse where a line of half-awake zombies wrapped around the block, and I could see several Court TV news vans gearing up to report on the big trial.

A little more confident of my dismissal, I hopped on the line.

15 minutes later, I sat in a huge room watching a quick instructional video about how we are serving our country by appearing for jury duty. It looked exactly like every dystopian future I've ever seen in a movie. Just footage of a man's head explaining to us how lucky we are for living where we do, and how we must give back to our country.

Another 15 minutes later, a few of us, split off from the massive pool of jurors, are stuffed into an elevator, on the way to a court room to learn what case we'll be interviewed for. I rehersed my story. I practiced the lines in my head.

"Well why are we here unless some of the charges are true?"

The moment I entered the room, everything changed.

First, we weren't being interviewed for the Tyler Clementi case, which made me breath a sigh of relief, and then realize that I would have to come up with a new excuse.

Second, I almost instantly stopped worrying about that the moment I noticed the court stenographer.

She was fascinating.

Either superhuman or subhuman.

Possibly a ghost.

More likely a zombie.

Sunken eyes, sallow skin, long spindly Nosferatu fingers.

I have no idea why her typewriter thing had such a small keyboard, but her frightening goblin fingers flew over the little keys, while paper the width of a standard receipt spewed out of the back. Why don't they use regular paper? Do they have teeny filing cabinets?

As she typed, her empty eyes fluttered around in her hollow skull. They found me, and stayed. She had chosen me.

To be fair I was staring right at her, likely with a mask of horror on my face, so I can't blame her for staring back.

I still don't know what I was really looking at, though.

Her life is based on converting the sounds she hears into words on a page. Without a break. For hours. There's no way that she has a mind. It would get in the way!

She's just a funnel. Sound goes in her ears and becomes an electrical impulse which flows down her arms and out of her fingertips. She can't possibly process all the legal bullshit that's being hurled at her without end.

Why don't they just use a recorder? She's basically a modern equivalent of the birds in The Flintsones movie that are meant to "record" conversations just by remembering everything everyone said!

She's not real! She's an animal who serves a singular purpose.

Speaking of being an animal, she must be completely wild outside of that courthouse, right?!

From 5:00 in the afternoon until 7:00 the next morning, I bet she's chugging whiskey, joy riding, and hitting mailboxes with a baseball bat.

She must have SO much pent up energy.

It's either that, or she's just as hollow outside of work and she walks around staring at everybody, listening in on conversations and reflexively moving her fingers in the air, phantom-typing.

Maybe they roll her chair into a closet at the end of the work day, and she sleeps in there.

Maybe I'm just wrong and that's not a person. She's a very sophisticated machine used to transcribe conversations, and they wanted it to look human.

They almost got it right.

I kind of hope that she has some sort of effect on what she writes. I hope she's able to add something personal. I hope the transcription of my interview went something like this:

"Judge: Can you think of any reason why you would not be right for this case?"

"Fat Moron: I can't afford to miss work."

"Judge: Fair enough, you're dismissed."

"Fat Moron lumbers out of the room."

"Someday I will absorb his soul."

Welcome to the New Site!

Hey guys, thanks for making the jump from my previous blog! I always wanted to buy the rights to my own website, and now I've got it!

Over here, I still have every single post I'd previously written. Everything was imported over, including typos and comments. Every Scary Story Time, every rant about types of people I'm annoyed by. So forget the old site, it's been swallowed up by the new one.

You'll notice that it's easier to navigate my posts now. Over on the right hand side bar, you'll see a section called "Categories." There I list the different types of posts you'll find here.

If you want to have an easy list of only scary stuff, click on the "Scary Story Time" category. For posts about my podcast, Will and Bobby Know Everything, click on exactly that! To avoid those common types of posts, click on "Uncatagorized," and you'll get just the posts that I wrote about anything else. It's simple.

Along with the new WillRogers2000 site, Bobby and I started www.WillAndBobby.com where you can go to get content not only about our podcast, but also additional posts from both of us about whatever we think of, as well as exciting upcoming new projects!

Bookmark both sites, because why not?

WBKE - Episode 6: Crazy People Part 1

This week on Will and Bobby Know Everything, Bobby and I welcome my sister Kristen Rogers onto the show to discuss Crazy People!

In Part One of the show (which is also our first two-parter) Bobby, Kristen, and I discuss a toothless sandwich maker, a dangerous "pregnant" woman, and a professor Bobby and I had who may have been a ghost!
How can you resist!?
This episode is also a big deal because it's being posted on Bobby Koester's birthday! So give Bobby the gift of listening to this show!
Look for the show on iTunes by clicking here!
Stream it on your iPhone or Android phone by searching for it in the free Stitcher app!
Please subscribe to the show, and please leave any feedback you'd like. You can also get involved in the show by emailing us at WillAndBobby@gmail.com! We're always open to new hosts with new topics.
Also, because the show is free, and because it's just for fun, all Bobby and I ask is that, if you like it, please tell 3 people! No money, no nothing, just tell 3 people if you like the show!
Thanks a lot guys, take it easy, and remember that Part 2 of Crazy People will be online in a week!
And again, happy birthday to Bobby!

Scary Story Time - February, 2012

Hey guys, before we get into the story, I have a quick announcement. In light of finding out how many Friday, the 13ths we'll be experiencing in 2012, and due the the fact that I had decided to post a scary story on each one of them, I've had an idea: Instead of just randomly posting these things whenever I feel like it, I'm going to turn it into a monthly feature.

On the 13th of every month, you can expect a new Scary Story Time! I'm going to stop numbering them though, which will help, because sometimes, instead of posting a long story, I might post several short ones. And that will get clumsy. So now I'll just label each post by it's month and year, as you can see from the title of this post.

Also, at the very base of this post, look for the "Scary Story Time" tag that I'll place on each SST. By clicking on that tag, you'll have a quick consolidated list of every SST I've posted.

And finally, don't forget that JUST YESTERDAY, Bobby and I posted a BRAND NEW episode of our podcast Will and Bobby Know Everything centered on The Supernatural! So basically, once you're done with this creepy story, you should immediately search for the episode on iTunes or Stitcher, click HERE to read my post about the episode, or click HERE to listen right from your browser!
Now on to the story:
Quick disclaimer: I'm a really big fan of horror movies and scary stories. Recently I've been finding a lot of interesting little scary stories written anonymously by people on the internet, so I decided to start sharing some of the ones I like. You should know, before you read on, that I did not write any of these stories, unless otherwise noted. You should also know that I won't always be posting that I enjoy 100%. There could be a ten page story that I post because I like one sentence of it. In that case, I assume I'll explain why I posted horse-shit and what merit I see in it. Sometimes, I'll post "scary" stories that I hate, think are stupid, or maybe even funny. But more than that, you should really know that some of these stories may be somewhat graphic, so just steel yourself for anything, especially poor spelling and grammar (I don't edit these stories). No matter what, though, I hope you enjoy them too, and if you know any stories or sources, please share them with me. Also, if you have any requests, just ask, I have a huge archive of this stuff!

From the Peephole

There was a male college student living by himself in an old apartment.  There was a small hole in his room’s wall, and he could peek into the next room from there.  His next-door neighbor was a young woman.  The woman apparently wasn’t aware of the peephole, so the man thought himself lucky and fell into a pattern of peeping on her.

Then, one day…

Around 3am, the man woke up to the sound of shuffling.  Wondering what it was, he realized that it was coming from next door.  Maybe she brought home a guy?  Feeling his excitement mount, the man looked through the peephole.  The room next door also had the lights off so he couldn’t see that well, but he could see two shadows for sure.  The man felt the thrill well inside him, thinking This is it! when he noticed something was off.

The big shadow that he assumed was the man kept moving, but the woman wasn’t moving at all.

When his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he realized that the man was punching the woman.  The woman seemed to be be gagged, so even if she wanted to scream all she could do was grunt.  In the end, he couldn’t even hear the groaning anymore.  Then the man’s shadow left the room.

A home intruder!

The man decided to call the police, but he stopped in his tracks with the phone in his hands.  If he reported this to the police, his peephole would be discovered.  Wanting to protect himself, the man wavered.

Within a week the police showed up at the apartment.  Apparently, the woman really was killed.  Inevitably, the police found the peephole and asked the man if he’d seen anything.  

The man replied, “I didn’t even realize there was a hole in the wall.  I never noticed anything unusual that day.”

He was asked several more questions, but it didn’t seem that the police suspected him of anything.  He couldn’t forget having witnessed the murder, but the guilt of not reporting it to the police quickly evaporated.  Even two weeks later, the culprit was still on the loose.

Then, one day…

Around 3am, the man woke up to the sound of shuffling again.  However, ever since the incident next door, no new tenants had come to live there.  Even so, the sound was definitely coming from next door.  Trembling, he peeked through the hole, but he didn’t see anything moving.  Thinking it was his mind playing tricks on him, he began to move away from the hole.

Suddenly, as if trying to fill up the small hole completely, a wide-open bloodshot eye appeared.  The man could only stare back, frozen with fear.

Then, a raspy woman’s voice rang through the silence.

“You saw, didn’t you?”

THE END

Holy shit, that's a hell of a story. My hearts pounding. I want more scary stuff...I WANT to listen to Will And Bobby Know Everything - Episode 5: The Supernatural, but I'm afraid I might have a heart attack! I'm sure you're having the same problem, so here's a good pallet cleanser to calm your nerves before you move on to WBKE:


Phew, that's better. Now on to WBKE Episode 5!
Seeya!

WBKE - Episode 5: The Supernatural

Turn on the lights.

Make sure the door is locked.
This week Will and Bobby Know Everything is delving into the topic of the supernatural.
Death.
Ghosts.
Abandoned factories.
This week's host Alex Silverii brings to Bobby and me tales of the disturbing things left behind by the previous owners of his family's house.
I tell one of the most terrifying stories known to man.
And Bobby is too masculine and rational to entertain such bullshit.
Listen to it, it's a fucking hoot. And a holler. And a SCREAM!!!
Will and Bobby Know Everything - Episode 5: The Supernatural is now available on iTunes (click here) and Stitcher. Load it up in your phone for later, or stream it through your browser right now (by clicking here)!
Please enjoy, please subscribe, and please tell your friends!
And don't forget to leave comments here or send feedback to WillAndBobby@gmail.com
Also don't remember that Bobby and I are always welcome to new hosts for new topics. We don't care who you are, everybody has something interesting to say, and everybody has a topic they care about. Please send all requests to us at that same email address: WillAndBobby@gmail.com.
It doesn't matter where you are, because through the magic of Skype, it'll sound like you're right here in the room with us!
Episode 6 will be online in a week. We recorded it just a few nights ago, and it's fucking magic.
Here are direct links to past episodes:

Ongoing: Film School

I think this'll be my first post that I constantly return to with updates, assuming anyone gives a shit.

In the past few months, my girlfriend and I have decided that it's time to make an important change.

We need to watch all the movies that people criticize us for having not seen yet.
Have you ever been talking to somebody when they bring up...lets say The Godfather? You tell them that you haven't seen The Godfather so you can't really say much about it, and they fire off with, "Oh my god, you've never seen THE GODFATHER?! It's so good!" You sheepishly shrug and they urge you that you "HAVE TO SEE IT!"
That happens to me all the time, and I'm sick of it. 
And those people are right. 
So a few weeks ago, Allie and I sat down and watched The Reservoir Dogs. I had seen it before, but she hadn't. It was amazing. The other night we watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I loved it, I can honestly say that it's one of the better movies I've ever seen.
Maybe we're way overdue for these things, but we're making up for lost time. The movies don't even have to be classics. They just need to be movies that people love.
So here's a brief list of movies I haven't seen that I know I'm supposed to, just off the top of my head:
The Godfather Trilogy
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Leon: The Professional
Amelie
Annie Hall
Casino
Boogie Nights
Magnolia
Eyes Wide Shut
The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
12 Angry Men
Rear Window
Citizen Kane
Dr. Strangelove: yadda yadda yadda
Full Metal Jacket
Raging Bull
You get the idea. I'm sure there are a lot I'm missing, and this is my first attempt at creating an actual tangible list, so please write to me here, on Twitter (click here), or on Facebook (click here) with your suggestion of movies I need to see. Especially because I'm sure there are a lot of movies I can't think of that I need to see, so help me out!
Also feel free to write in with what movies people give you shit at because you haven't seen them!
Tonight Allie and I are taking care of another movie we've been urged to see: we're going to the State Theater to see Midnight in Paris.
Booya.

WBKE - Episode 4: Dating

Let me get this out of the way:

On Episode 4 of Will and Bobby Know Everything, Sara Mercadante joins Bobby and me via Skype. The topic this week is Dating.

Listen as Bobby and I go out of our fucking minds.

Maybe it's because the host isn't with us in person, or maybe it's because Bobby and I had more coffee than usual, but regardless of reason, Bobby and I are out of control this week. It's awesome. Listen close.

Now this is important:

We're all adults here, right? Well in the show this week, we discuss something that might be considered immature and gross, but I say suck it up and let go, and have fun. Yes it's gross, but it's also fucking hilarious.

Look for it on iTunes and Stitcher!

Click here to go directly to the show on iTunes!

Or click here to listen within your browser!

It's a fucking good one, tell your friends, because everyone should hear this horse shit.

Send any comments or questions to WillAndBobby@gmail.com

Bobby and I are always looking for new hosts for the show! You can tell it's pretty laid back and stupid, and this episode is a good example that you don't need to be with us in person, we'll take hosts from anywhere in the world, as long as you have a strong internet connection. So please let us know if you're interested, I don't give a fuck who you are or what the fuck you want to talk about, it's just for fun, so email us!

Episode 5 next week!

A Tale of Two Bullies: Me and My Murderer

I'm a bully.

At least, I was
I might still be, but that's not the point.
I'm not going to justify myself, or make it seem like my bullying ways were legitimate or fair, or excusable, but I'll tell you right up front that I didn't intend to be a bully. I meant to be the funny guy.
It's a popular myth that bullies are afraid of the people they attack, but I think that's actually an accidental result of the mocking rather than the immediate cause.
Bullies attack people that are just different, it's that basic.
It's where racism comes from.

This post isn't expressly about me, but I'll tell you a quick story about myself:

When I was 17, I was sitting in stand-still traffic, in the right most lane. I was listening to music and hanging out, when I saw a big muscular black guy walking up the side of the road. Before I knew what happened, I instinctively locked the doors of the car.

My heart sank...

What did I just do!? Did I assume this guy was going to try to steal my car and sit in the traffic?? Was I a racist? What the fuck??

I was seriously worried that I had just revealed myself to be a bigot. I thought about it a lot.

A few months later, I found myself sitting in more traffic. In the right most lane again. Listening to music. This time I looked up and saw a little old white lady walking up the side of the road. Before I knew what happened, my hand reached out and locked the doors again.

HOORAY!

I'M NOT RACIST, I'M JUST AFRAID OF EVERYTHING!


Especially little quiet people who wear bow-ties. Which brings me to my story:

There's a guy that I used to be "friends" with on Facebook, who, for the sake of this story, I'll refer to as "Elmer."
Elmer is a fucking asshole.
On Facebook, Elmer is constantly posting statuses, usually around three times a day, which are typically centered around how abortion should be made illegal (this is technically up for debate, but it's not the point of this post. If you have a problem with giving people a choice as to how they should conduct themselves and decide their future, go ahead an give me a reasoned argument for removing someone's options), and how any non-Christian is a fool. He posts about how "boughetto" (a crude word which is a combination of "bourgeoisie" and "ghetto") people are loud and stupid and annoying. He frequently deals in stereotypes about black people. On Martin Luther King day, he posted something fucking crazy about having the day off and whether or not it's deserved, and how MLK Jr. himself would say "Ni**er please" in regards to...something...
Elmer has blocked me on facebook, so I can't easily quote the post, but if I can find a way to quote the "Ni**er please" post in the future, I'll add it in. If you're friends with this prick and you can find it, send me a screen cap at WillAndBobby@gmail.com!
Anyway, I find him infuriating. He's a bully. And so I fucking bully him.
Most of the time I just post asinine shit.
For example:
Last week he posted something about how he couldn't wait to go home and have his "supper."
I thought it was absurd that he called "dinner" "supper," so at first I was going to post, "haha, what the fuck? You call it 'supper'?"
But it didn't seem funny enough.
So then I was about to write, "Oh boy, I love 'supper.'"
But then it wasn't weird enough (that's important to me), so I finally posted, "Oh no, my supper is cold :("
Perfect!
It's fucking stupid and irrelevant and not worth getting angry at, while still being weird and funny. And he mostly used to let me get away with just posting weird shit on his page, which was part of the fun.
Not all my posts have been benign though. I've called him out about threatening people.
A year ago, he wrote about how he never forgets the people who wronged him, and how one day they'll pay for it.
It set me off. And I wrote something along the lines of, "So you're threatening people now? I guess someday we'll see your face in the papers."

He went OFF! He freaked out and wrote a long post about how I had compared him to Jared Lee Loughner (a comparison which I didn't intend, but nonetheless find accurate).
I was mostly worried that I might lose the place where I posted absurd bullshit. And this guy is an accidental comedic genius.
That seems like a good enough background to explain what happened a couple of days ago.
Elmer posted this:
How's that for some racist bullshit?!

Really, the fact that black people were once discriminated against and hated means that black people should have learned not to be rude to anybody?
If you're going to use the argument that racism should have an effect on how black people "should" act, it would be that THEY ARE FREE TO DO WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY LIKE after white people did whatever the fuck they liked!
You stupid asshole!
You racist piece of shit!
You bow-tie-wearing human trash!
Now I'm not trying to big myself up or make my role in this world more significant than it is...And YES, I am (or WAS) willingly "friends" with Elmer, who I would usually just mock with goofy bullshit, but man this set me off.
He was seeming to revel in his own bullshit and awfulness. His anger is well documented. And more than that, he has people who read his bullshit and agree with him. I don't presume I'm going to change the world, but I also can't very well look at small-minded shit like this and move on. I wanted to call him out on his fucking prejudice.
At first I wrote, "Hey [Elmer], which do you hate more: racism or black people?" But I ended up deleting that and coming up with "It's a good thing white people and Asian people aren't rude at all." 
Compared to what I was originally going to write, that's nothing. Even still, I received a fucking frantic, lunatic, rapid fire, SUPER angry response back about how I had twisted his words and how I was spouting "fallacies," which is a bullshit old-world, biblical term meaning "falsehoods." 
...Which is also old and biblical. 
Fuck...
Anyway, he went on to attack me by saying something along the lines of (I'll add actual quotes if possible) "how do you know I won't post something negative about white people or Asians in the future."
To put it bluntly, he's a defensive nut.
I wrote back "Feel free to surprise me but..." and I went on to point out that even if he eventually posts about how white people can be rude in the modern world, he's currently talking about specifically black people...who he has written about before...in the same shitty negative tone.
I'll say it now: Go fuck yourself  "Elmer."
After this most recent outburst, where I blatantly point out his racism, he finally decided to block me. 
He should have done it years ago.
Unfortunately for me, this son of a bitch gets the best of me here:
He says that I have been antagonizing him for years (again, I'll post the actual quotes in the future if possible). And he's right. I have been. But I'll say again that it's because of his misogyny and racism that I lash out.
He also makes a point of saying that he remembers how I treated him in middle school and high school.
Now we're back to that Jared Lee Loughner bullshit.
What, may I ask, is the point of saying to somebody that you'll remember them for the way they mistreated you, unless you have some plan for how to get back at them?
I'll suggest here and now that "Elmer" has, at least in the back of his mind, some idea of lashing out against the people who has wronged him.
Which means that now I have to explain myself:
I bullied Elmer in middle school, and I have to own up to that.
In 8th or 9th grade (I honestly don't remember), I took a wood-working class which I shared with Elmer.
He was quiet, and I had no reason not to like him, but he shared a work station with me and a girl, whose name I don't remember.
I flirted with the girl, and we joked around, and we were goofy, and we made fun of anything and everything, including Elmer.
I'll remind you again that "Elmer" is a nickname for the actual guy. It's a similar name to the real thing, though, so when I tell you that me and that girl called him "Smellmer," you may well work out what his actual name is.
"Smell" was definitely a part of the name, is what I'm saying.
But it had no true basis.
He wasn't smelly, he wasn't weird, he was just quiet and fine.
I'll tell you right now, that by calling him "Smellmer", I thought the natural perception was not I was calling Elmer a loser, but that by calling him "Smellmer," I was calling myself a loser!
It was a joke on a joke.

I thought I was making fun of people who make fun of people.

"Smellmer" is the dumbest, most illogical name in the world, so by using it, I was making fun of people who might actually use it.
But no matter what, whether I intended that fucking stupid name to be hurtful or not, I have to own up to the result, which was evidently that I hurt Elmer's feelings.
I feel bad about that as a 9th grader. If at all possible, I would definitely send a message to my 15/16 year-old-self saying "leave Elmer alone," but as a 25 year-old man, I think "fuck you Elmer, you racist fuck."
So that was middle school. He has every right to say that he remembers how I treated him then, and he has  every right to hate me for it.

But high school? I don't remember shit about him then! I don't think I spoke to him at all!

So once again: fuck you Smellmer! You're talking out of your smelly, racist, ass!
No matter what, he posted that thing about how he remembers me for how I "treated" him in middle school and high school, which I interpret to mean he'll one day show up on my front step with a gun.
I'll be waiting...To die I guess...Because I don't think I'll dodge those bullets like Batman.
Yes.
I was a bully.
10 years ago.
But Elmer is a bully now.
He blocked me, and he's way smarter than man, and he works for the fucking government, but still I say, "fuck you, you racist piece of shit."
Honestly though, how awesome will it be if he tries to murder me? 
If I'm found dead, seek Smellmer. 
Actually, first check if it was a heart attack, I'm pretty overweight. If there are bullet holes, though, drive straight to Smellmer.
If you're reading this, and you know who "Elmer" REALLY is, then I suggest you go nuts on his wall, denouncing his crazy views. Fuck that asshole and his asshole friends.
Facebook is a public forum. You're free to think whatever crazy bullshit you want, but when you put it on a public site like that, don't expect it to be the same as putting it in a journal you keep under your bed. People can see it and respond. Facebook is a place for conversation and debate.
It's like being at a party, and everyone you know is there, and a few hundred people you've never met, and you see someone you used to know and you happen to notice they're saying something horrible about somebody else. Do you walk up to them and say, "hey man, that's not cool," or do you just pretend it didn't happen?
What I'm saying is that in a moment like that, you feel compelled to do one of those two things: step up or move along.
I couldn't help myself, so I stepped up. Frankly I wish I had been more brazen and given him more shit.
Life's too short to let people get away with hurting each other.
The last thing I got to say to Smellmer before the block was that I do regret being a shit head in middle school, but I'm going to call out bullshit when I see it.
He followed up with a fucking knockout punch. He really got me good. He wrote:
"Enjoy spending the rest of your life pretending to be humble while mistreating people."
Fuck. He was right: I was pretending to be humble and I was accidentally writing like some small town super-hero.
He'll never fucking see the last thing I wanted to say to him though, because I was blocked JUST before I could send it... 
My last message to Elmer is:
"Thanks!"
Bully the bullies!
Concerns, thoughts, questions, stories? Comment here or email me at WillAndBobby@gmail.com!

WBKE - Episode 3: The Work Force

Hey guys, get to iTunes or run on search on Stitcher, because Episode 3 of Will and Bobby Know Everything is now online!

You can also listen in your browser via this link: WBKE on LibSyn

This week, guest host Samantha Short leads a conversation about what is listed as The Work Force, but is mostly a discussion about an asshole boss she, Bobby, and I have all shared.

Also we discuss a giant baby that Bobby used to live with! Who tried to get me drunk! How can you avoid something so intriguing??

As always, feel free to ask any questions or send any comments to WillAndBobby@gmail.com.

If you're interested in hosting a future episode of Will and Bobby Know Everything, just e-mail us, we're open to anybody, from anywhere! Because Skype exists!

So go ahead and listen, it's a good one!

Episode 4 next week!

A True Blog Post. I'm Not Sorry.

Sleeping is total and absolute bullshit.

Last week I had a minor cold, and because of that, I was sleeping A LOT.
More than I'd care to.
If there was some way I could work this out, I would never sleep. Honestly, if I didn't get so goddamn groggy and messed up due to a lack of rest, I'd stay up 24 hours a day, doing nothing but going to real work, doing my own goofy work (Will and Bobby Know Everything, boom), hanging out, and doing whatever I want.
Sleep is 6-8 hours of completely wasted time.
I don't accomplish a single thing during those hours. 
Worse than that, they're WAY too mandatory:
If I'm sick, like I was, and I sleep for 18 hours of a day, doped up on Nyquil, despite getting more than twice (maybe triple) the amount of sleep that the typical person needs in one night, I'll still wake up with enough energy for about 13 hours of the waking life before I have to fucking sleep again.
It's a weakness. If I sleep for 18 hours, I should be able to stay awake for 3 days.
You can't bank those hours.
However, if I stay up for 48 hours, a typical 8-hour rest won't be enough. I'll need to sleep longer.
What a joke.
Moving on.
I haven't got anything fun to examine, really, but I do want to quickly discuss this:
More than likely, you've heard about how Norway recently has had a shortage of butter.
It sounds weird, just on the surface, but the actual reason why is almost more unreal. There was a diet craze, not unlike the Atkins diet, which says that if you eat a diet with high butter-content, you'll lose weight.
That's all it takes.
In American, whenever the fucking McRib goes on sale, we line up around the block to fucking kill ourselves, but whatever, Norway freaked out over a diet fad.
(Also, in America, we don't need a goddamn excuse to eat butter).
Anyway, in response to all the stupid jokes about the situation, some dude in Norway posted the following video to us, in an effort to shut us up. 
He took a stand and said "NO MORE!"
And trust me, it's WAY fucking worth watching. It's unreal. At first you might feel bad for him, but power through it and keep watching, it's the best. Keep reading when the video ends:
See, I was right.
This is the worst fucking decision this guy could have made. In an effort to make America stop mocking his country's situation, he released a video of his shiny face where he accidentally says the cake they make is called "Pussy Cats," and he generally stumbles and fucks up through the whole video. I have to give him credit for trying, I guess.

Actually, I don't. If we ran out of butter, and fucking Norway started making fun of us, I wouldn't post a video to them. I wouldn't speak broken Norwegian while trying to mock them in accidentally hilarious ways.

Maybe I would, actually, that sounds kind of fun. Especially the threat of eating butter in front of a bunch of  people.

As angry as he is, which makes me want to take him seriously so that this video doesn't COMPLETELY paint him as a fool, I have to point out a few things...
There are edits in this video! I haven't done my research, but I think this is exactly what the guy posted online, himself. Occasionally you'll see the video "jump" as he finishes a point and moves on to another. There was stuff he decided to edit out! Sure, he leaves in all the bumbling missteps, and embarrassing sequences, like when he fakes you out into thinking maybe there's butter in the container he holds up. Speaking of which, I was fooled... But --
I lost my train of thought...
Christ, that pussy cats thing is unreal.
What the hell would you do if this guy actually DID come to your house and went into your refrigerator and ate a bunch of butter right in front of "your family's eyes"?
[Door gets kicked open]
"Whoa, who the fuck are you?"
Tommy storms up the hall, and turns into the kitchen, as your family, sitting on the couch, turns and watches, horrified and confused.
"Honey, do you know this guy?"
Tommy rips open the refrigerator and furiously grabs a stick of butter from the little butter cabinet thing.
Your family's mouths hang open, agape.
Tommy walks into the living room, stands in front of you, and, with great pride, defiantly takes a fucking huge bite out of the butter.
"Kids, cover your eyes!"
Tommy eats the whole thing, while you're mostly just confused. He goes back to the fridge and eats another, and then that little tub of whipped butter. You all just sit in stunned silence.
Then he has to go because he has to catch a plane back to Norway.
I really want that to happen.

I'll pay for the flight.

You have to hand it to him, really. No one actually gave a fuck about this Norway/Butter situation, but he had the guts to release this dramatic/ridiculous/unnecessary video, which got some views.
It takes a real man to draw more attention to a completely absurd situation, while also throwing himself on the fire.
I'm going to try and sleep now.

WBKE - Episode 2: Crime

Boom.

Episode 2 of Will and Bobby Know Everything is online!

In this episode, Bobby and I are joined by special guest host Tommy Becker, who comes by to discuss the state of crime in the world today. Specifically, we try to figure out the best way to murder each other.

It's a lot of fun! I hope you guys like it.

Same rules as last time, find it on:

iTunes for you Mac or PC

The iTunes app for your iPhone, by searching the show's title.

The free Stitcher (podcast directory) app for your iPhone or Android phone, by searching the show's title.

Or just listen through your browser!

No matter what, just enjoy the show!

You can make any comments of love or hate, or send any questions or requests to this blog or to WillAndBobby@gmail.com

Episode 3 in a week!

WBKE - Episode 1: Public Speaking

Hey everybody, the first episode of my buddy's and my weekly podcast, Will and Bobby Know Everything, is now online! And though it's 11:53, technically speaking, I DID get this episode up on Monday!

In this podcast, Bobby and I are joined by special guest host Michael Costa to discuss the very common fear of public speaking.

We also discuss drowning in soup.

It's a weird show, just listen to it.

Here's how:

Assuming you have iTunes installed on your computer, you can go straight to the page for the show by clicking on this link:

WBKE on iTunes

If you HAVEN'T got iTunes on your computer, you can go directly to the source, the website our podcast is originally hosted on, and either stream or download the episode by clicking on THIS link:

www.WillAndBobby.libsyn.com

If you have an iPhone, just search for the show in the iTunes app.

If you have an Android phone (this will also work for iPhones), you should download the free Stitcher (podcast database app) and search for the show to STREAM the episode.

No matter what you do, just enjoy the show, subscribe, and pass on the good word! This is a stupid fucking show for the whole family to enjoy! Aside from children! Because of the explicit language!

Bobby and I owe a huge debt of gratitude to Kevin Townsend for creating the logo for the show, Tommy Becker for creating the theme song, and Allie Palmer for helping edit the show! Thank you so much!

Please feel free to lend feedback, ask questions, or make requests here or by e-mailing WillAndBobby@gmail.com

Enjoy, it's funny!

Episode 2 comes next Monday!

Scary Story Time #11

Hey guys, I just read some disturbing news. SEVERELY disturbing news. Evidently it's Friday, the 13th. Not only that, but we'll be having ANOTHER Friday, the 13th in 13 weeks! These are dark days, indeed. 2012 is supposedly the year that the world ends, and based on the aforementioned facts, I have to assume that this rumor is true.

Yes.

The fact that there will be two Friday, the 13th's in 13 weeks is UNDENIABLE PROOF that the world is ending.

(Disclaimer: I don't believe in any of that bullshit)

More disturbing than that is the fact that evidently I haven't posted a scary story since Halloween. I used to post these goddamn things too much, but now I find out I haven't done it in nearly a quarter of a year!

So here we go.

I should tell you that at some point I had read so many anonymously written creepy stories, that I began to rediscover stories I'd already read. I was worried that maybe I'd read them all. So I branched out. Via Google Reader, I searched for certain keywords like "creepy," "scary," and "weird." Again, I would just come across new blogs with the same old stories.

Until I found a new source.

Japanese horror stories and Japanese myths.

At first I was reluctant, because I had considered Japanese horror to be a little too bizarre, and less frightening than strange. To be fair, I was basing that assumption on the commercials I had seen for movies like The Ring and The Grudge, which looked like shit.

I decided to give anonymously written Japanese horror stories a try. And I was not disappointed.

Yes, these stories are different from anything else I have read. And no, I don't like all of them. There are urban legends about mythical creatures which are half-man and half-dog. Those stories, I don't like. But the Japanese have a very different approach to stories about ghosts. Their concept of ghosts seems to be wholly different from anything we have in this country (United States). I find it to be bizarre and disturbing. The mental image that the following story creates is both surreal and terrifying. The person who translated and re-posted the story I bring to you today (http://sayainunderworld.blogspot.com/) uses letters in place of character names. Today's story is told about a man called "Y."

So, yes, it's pretty different, but let it wash over you.

Here we go:

Quick disclaimer: I'm a really big fan of horror movies and scary stories. Recently I've been finding a lot of interesting little scary stories written anonymously by people on the internet, so I decided to start sharing some of the ones I like. You should know, before you read on, that I did not write any of these stories, unless otherwise noted. You should also know that I won't always be posting that I enjoy 100%. There could be a ten page story that I post because I like one sentence of it. In that case, I assume I'll explain why I posted horse-shit and what merit I see in it. Sometimes, I'll post "scary" stories that I hate, think are stupid, or maybe even funny. But more than that, you should really know that some of these stories may be somewhat graphic, so just steel yourself for anything, especially poor spelling and grammar (I don't edit these stories). No matter what, though, I hope you enjoy them too, and if you know any stories or sources, please share them with me. Also, if you have any requests, just ask, I have a huge archive of this stuff!
Ooh, is it Y?


This is a story I heard from my friend Y. Y's grandad died about two years ago. Y loved his granddad almost too much, and at the funeral he cried like a baby, not caring that other people were watching.

It happened on the seventh day after his granddad's death. On that day there was a storm warning for the area where Y lived and in spite of the murderous wind Y didn't have enough money on him to take a bus and had to walk home from school. He struggled all the way to keep himself from blown away and it was already past seven in the evening when he finally arrived home. He took out the key from the bag and opened the front door.

As soon as he was in, he saw the door to his own room, which was visible from the front door, open, as if to welcome him. He could see from the opening that the light and the TV had been switched on, as well as the halogen heater, which was the sole source of heat in his room.

It must be mum. She was considerate enough to have my room warmed up before I got home. Y thought happily, and he called out to her in a voice more cheerful than usual.

But strangely, no one answered Y. He looked around the front door and noticed there was only one pair of shoes that belonged to Y (note:Japanese people leave shoes at the front door before entering the house) and neither his mum's nor dad's shoes were there. Then Y remembered everyone in the family apart from Y was going to be home late, due to them attending a memorial service that was being held for his granddad. Who could be home then? Y was afraid that it might be a burglar.

Y tiptoed to his room, and fearfully peeked inside through the door. In the room there sat Y's dead granddad with his back to the door.
The moment Y realized that it was his granddad, his fear vanished into thin air. Y was the sort who could never watch horror movies without having someone beside him, but although he knew he was seeing a ghost it was different when the ghost was his granddad's.

Tears rushed to his eyes out of love and gratitude that his granddad cared enough about him to visit him even after death.
Granddad gave a few of his characteristic coughs and clumsily scratched at the back of his head.
"Granddad." When Y called, grandad slowly stood up and turned around.
And as he turned, as if by a trick, the outline of his body became slightly blurred.

Granddad's face looked as if covered in red ink.
"Oh...Oooh, Y. Is it Y?" Granddad called Y's name.
The voice was as he remembered it, but the intonation was somewhat strange. It was too monotonous. Granddad used to speak with a strong accent, but his voice sounded artificial as if it had been computer-generated.
Granddad took one feeble step towards Y.
"What happened to you, granddad?"
Y said, growing anxious because granddad was acting strange.
Granddad again coughed a few times and scratched his head.

"Granddad, did you try to come home?"
When Y asked, grandad looked up at the ceiling as if he was trying to think a little, and said;
"Oh...Oooh, Y. Is it Y?," uttering exactly the same phrase and in the same intonation as before. Y found that disturbing, and began to think maybe what he was seeing in front of him was not his granddad at all.
Granddad was still staring at the ceiling. From his fingers some purplish-red liquid trickled to the floor, making a small pool on the carpet. Moreover, when Y looked at him more closely, he noticed that granddad's arm was bent at an unnatural angle; and the length between the shoulder and the elbow was longer than a normal person's upper arm should be. Granddad wasn't like that at all when he was alive. Maybe this thing was something that was pretending to be his grandad.

Y slowly start to back away, being careful not to make any noises. Despite that the thing that was pretending to be his granddad seemed to have realized Y's intention and, stretching only its neck, he stared at Y.
Oh no, it's looking at me - the moment Y thought it, the thing's face was right in front of him.
Its body was still standing where it was; the only parts that moved were its head and neck. The neck was now like a over-stretched rubber band. Before his eyes, purplish-red bubbles formed around its mouth.
"Oh...Oooh, Y. Is it Y?"
Y screamed.

He ran for his life and took refuge in the nearest bookshop. He was scared to be alone in the house. He couldn't go back until the rest of the family was home, by which time it was past 9pm. He told them what happened to him but none took him seriously.

That night he was forced to sleep in his own room, where the red granddad appeared. Y felt uneasy. Whenever he closed his eyes he feared that he would see that red face the moment he opened his eyes again. But in the end fatigue took the better of him and he fell asleep.

When he woke up the next morning, his face somehow felt itchy. He went to the bathroom and looked himself in the mirror; his face was wet with purplish-red juice.

From then on he stopped sleeping in his room. Because he wasn't sure if he could manage to escape like the last time if the thing appeared to him again.

To this day Y still says, "that was definitely not my granddad."




I don't know about you, but for whatever reason, that description of the grandfather's neck stretching like a rubber band really gets me. It's weird, and oddly nondescript, what is actually happening here. I myself picture the grandfather standing still, across the room from Y, but his neck is stretched, parallel to the floor, so that his face is inches away from Y's. It's terrifying to me, because of how weird it is.

I'm going to go a step further here.

I'm about to get REALLY fucking nerdy. Part of what terrifies me about this story is that, in part, I relate the grandfather's ghost to this character:
This character (enemy) is from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, from both the Nintendo 64 and the Nintendo 3DS, and it's a fucking nightmare.
It pops out of the ground with it's over-long neck stretched out straight up to the ceiling. Once you approach it, it slowly brings it's head down to stare at you, and ultimately attempt to bite you with it's huge mouth.

Bonus points for bullshit: it also has weird long arms that pop out of the ground around it, with sharply nailed hands which will grab you told hold you in place for some goddamn chomping.

Anyway. That's the creepy story for today, Friday, January 13th, 2012.
I don't want to leave you shaking in your boots though, defenseless though. So here's an item to help you:

Take it easy guys.