There was a male college student living by himself in an old apartment. There was a small hole in his room’s wall, and he could peek into the next room from there. His next-door neighbor was a young woman. The woman apparently wasn’t aware of the peephole, so the man thought himself lucky and fell into a pattern of peeping on her.
Then, one day…
Around 3am, the man woke up to the sound of shuffling. Wondering what it was, he realized that it was coming from next door. Maybe she brought home a guy? Feeling his excitement mount, the man looked through the peephole. The room next door also had the lights off so he couldn’t see that well, but he could see two shadows for sure. The man felt the thrill well inside him, thinking This is it! when he noticed something was off.
The big shadow that he assumed was the man kept moving, but the woman wasn’t moving at all.
When his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he realized that the man was punching the woman. The woman seemed to be be gagged, so even if she wanted to scream all she could do was grunt. In the end, he couldn’t even hear the groaning anymore. Then the man’s shadow left the room.
A home intruder!
The man decided to call the police, but he stopped in his tracks with the phone in his hands. If he reported this to the police, his peephole would be discovered. Wanting to protect himself, the man wavered.
Within a week the police showed up at the apartment. Apparently, the woman really was killed. Inevitably, the police found the peephole and asked the man if he’d seen anything.
The man replied, “I didn’t even realize there was a hole in the wall. I never noticed anything unusual that day.”
He was asked several more questions, but it didn’t seem that the police suspected him of anything. He couldn’t forget having witnessed the murder, but the guilt of not reporting it to the police quickly evaporated. Even two weeks later, the culprit was still on the loose.
Then, one day…
Around 3am, the man woke up to the sound of shuffling again. However, ever since the incident next door, no new tenants had come to live there. Even so, the sound was definitely coming from next door. Trembling, he peeked through the hole, but he didn’t see anything moving. Thinking it was his mind playing tricks on him, he began to move away from the hole.
Suddenly, as if trying to fill up the small hole completely, a wide-open bloodshot eye appeared. The man could only stare back, frozen with fear.
Then, a raspy woman’s voice rang through the silence.
“You saw, didn’t you?”
Turn on the lights.
Hey guys, get to iTunes or run on search on Stitcher, because Episode 3 of Will and Bobby Know Everything is now online!
You can also listen in your browser via this link: WBKE on LibSyn
This week, guest host Samantha Short leads a conversation about what is listed as The Work Force, but is mostly a discussion about an asshole boss she, Bobby, and I have all shared.
Also we discuss a giant baby that Bobby used to live with! Who tried to get me drunk! How can you avoid something so intriguing??
As always, feel free to ask any questions or send any comments to WillAndBobby@gmail.com.
If you're interested in hosting a future episode of Will and Bobby Know Everything, just e-mail us, we're open to anybody, from anywhere! Because Skype exists!
So go ahead and listen, it's a good one!
Episode 4 next week!
Hey everybody, the first episode of my buddy's and my weekly podcast, Will and Bobby Know Everything, is now online! And though it's 11:53, technically speaking, I DID get this episode up on Monday!
In this podcast, Bobby and I are joined by special guest host Michael Costa to discuss the very common fear of public speaking.
We also discuss drowning in soup.
It's a weird show, just listen to it.
Assuming you have iTunes installed on your computer, you can go straight to the page for the show by clicking on this link:
If you HAVEN'T got iTunes on your computer, you can go directly to the source, the website our podcast is originally hosted on, and either stream or download the episode by clicking on THIS link:
If you have an iPhone, just search for the show in the iTunes app.
If you have an Android phone (this will also work for iPhones), you should download the free Stitcher (podcast database app) and search for the show to STREAM the episode.
No matter what you do, just enjoy the show, subscribe, and pass on the good word! This is a stupid fucking show for the whole family to enjoy! Aside from children! Because of the explicit language!
Bobby and I owe a huge debt of gratitude to Kevin Townsend for creating the logo for the show, Tommy Becker for creating the theme song, and Allie for helping edit the show! Thank you so much!
Please feel free to lend feedback, ask questions, or make requests here or by e-mailing WillAndBobby@gmail.com
Enjoy, it's funny!
Episode 2 comes next Monday!
I'm really goddamn excited to announce a new project my friend Bobby Koester and I have been working on: our new comedy podcast which will begin ONE WEEK FROM TODAY!
A huge thanks to Kevin Townsend who created this logo! You should check out his blog to see not only his work, but also the incredible things he finds: http://blog.sevenknotwind.com/
On WBKE, every week we will have a new episode with a guest host who brings a topic to Bobby and me, which we all then dissect. While embarrassing ourselves.
The show will be free of charge and easily available online.You'll be able to get it on iTunes, Stitcher (more another time) and Libsyn, which is where the podcast itself is hosted online.
The podcast is essentially just a talk radio show available whenever you want it to be. You can download it to your phone or stream it on your computer. Honestly, it'll be so easily accessible that you can listen to it at your house while you're getting ready for work, continue it during your commute, and finish it at your desk.
I should suggest you wear headphones if you listen to it in public, though. The subject matter is safe, but I curse a lot.
Maybe too much, but I also don't care.
It's a weird funny show that I think you'll really be able to get into. And potentially involved in, but I'll explain that at some other time.
I'll actually explain a lot at some other time, I just want you to know that Will and Bobby Know Everything is coming.
Whether you want it to or not.
It'll be kind of weird if you explicitly don't want it to, though, because you could always just ignore it.
But, come on, don't do that.
Has anyone ever told you you're kind of a jerk?
Kaboom. More very soon.
I'm going to go ahead and write out a story of something that really bugged me. When you're finished reading it, I want you to think about what you would have done, and how you would have felt if it had happened to you. Or maybe just how you would respond to me telling you this. Then I'll tell you the correct response.
It all started last November when I got a job temping at Johnson & Johnson. I was the hot new kid on the campus, and obviously people took notice of me. And the people I'm talking about...is actually just one lady who makes sandwiches in the cafeteria.
I mostly kept my head down and worked, but it seems that she just took a shine to me.
It started out small, like asking how my day was. That was already pushing the threshold of my friendliness, but I'd tell her, "fine."
Now, I'm a vegetarian and a creature of habit, by the way, so I was pretty much getting the same damn cheese sandwich whenever I went to her station. Sometimes I might get a veggie burger from the guy across the room, though.
Obviously, I wasn't even safe from her then. She'd shout, "What, are you cheating on me?"
I'd look back and smile/grimace.
Then she started trying to memorize what sandwich I usually got. I'd walk up to her and start ordering, but she'd cut me off, look like she was thinking hard, and just sort of randomly blurt, "provolone...tomato...uhh...and [I'd try to jump in] Wait! Pickle? Then I'd say, "lettuce," and she'd start apologizing to me for not memorizing what I like. Loudly. While other people wait on line. I felt as though it looked like I expected her to know what I get. To other people, I just looked like a prick.
So whatever, that temp job ended, and I went on to better things (such as having Quick Chek sandwiches made by a woman I call Eyebrows Lady). About a month later, I got hired for a different job at the same J&J site.
On my first day back, the damn sandwich lady, who I had mostly forgotten about, asked me where I'd been. I told her that my last job had ended a month earlier. She looked offended and said, "and you didn't say goodbye to me?"
Christ. WE AREN'T FRIENDS!
Okay, so all that to explain this:
The other day I was on the line for a sandwich, because I don't learn. With about 5 people ahead of me, the sandwich woman notices me waiting on line. AS A BUSINESS WOMAN IS ACTIVELY ORDERING FOOD, the sandwich lady holds her finger out to silence the her, turns to me, and holds up one of the rolls I usually get my sandwich on,
"Hey! Here, take this, just in case I run out of it by the time you get up to me."
She said it with urgency that suggested there'd be hell to pay if I didn't get my fucking olive bread, with a twist of doing me a huge favor. So I had to walk through the 5 people ahead of me to take the roll. It was just strange enough to attract the attention of all the bored/boring office people.
A sweaty guy joked, "Hey, no cuts! Heh...heh..."
Some giant went, "Well! I guess we know what YOU'RE ordering!"
A lady, speaking WAY too loud says, "Hey, always good to have someone in the cafeteria looking out for you!" Her voice actually echoed.
And the last guy gives me a fucking pat on the back as I walk back to my place in line.
The worst part is that I could easily see a whole stack of that type of roll.
Office jokes are so stupid and irritating. They're not even jokes, they're mostly just basic observations, spoken through a smirk.
So that's it. I know it's not a big deal or anything, but it is annoying. It's as annoying as any brief interaction can be. Wouldn't you hate that?
And now here's the correct response to me telling you this story:
"What the hell is wrong with you?"
That's what my girlfriend said. And unfortunately, she's right.
"So that woman just tries to talk to you and asks you how you are, and you hate her? She tried to do you a favor and make sure you got the bread you like, and that pisses you off? I don't know why you tell me these things."
"And then those people tried to be friendly and joke around with you, but you just frown like a weirdo?"
I think I stammered here. Or grunted like a caveman.
"Honestly I think you're a little agoraphobic."
"What, no, you're crazy."
"No, Will, you always tell me these stupid stories about something that freaked you out and it's always like 'someone smiled at me,' and they always end with you talking about how horrible that was. Seriously, I don't know how I'm supposed to respond to this."
"Well, I thought it was funny."
"What are you going to do when we have kids? What are you going to do if you have to go to a parent-teacher meeting, and I can't go? Are you just going to sit next to the other parents and frown?"
I was about to answer, but -
"And then you're going to come home and I'll have to hear all about it?"
To be fair, I'm completely aware of the fact that it's irrational for me to freak out in situations like this, and I usually neglect to mention the part where I contributed to the stupid office humor and got along with everyone. But I can't divorce myself from finding these little teeny interactions worthless and annoying. I feel like it should really be acceptable to say to people,
"I don't mean to be rude, but, oh god...you're really weird. You're being weird toward me. Stop it."
So that's how you should have responded, but I really hope you relate to me about all of this.
I've got some work to do. For starters, no more sandwiches.