I was filling my jacket with crumpled up pieces of paper for warmth this morning when I caught a glimpse of myself in a dirty mirror behind my apartment. In between winking and giving myself the thumbs up, I noticed something very strange about my appearance. I have Nicolas Cage’s hairline. Needless to say, I called out of work and binged on three pints of ice cream and a Netflix marathon of whatever the Charlie Sheen’s show is called. A Man A Baby and Me? That’s the one. Well, you see that’s when it hit me! There, between my second and third nap just after the Chinese food guy yelled at me for giggling and asking him why they didn’t give me a real poopoo platter, I realized something crucially important to my life up to now. The podcast, the comedy duo with Will, none of it’s going to work out. You see, Will is also going bald, and everyone knows that any good duo has one funny bald one and a clean-cut straight man. Which one of us will be in the spot light, and which one of us will hide behind the curtain ringing the chapel bell and cursing all of the pretty girls I’ve never gotten to sleep with? The bald man is just funnier by default. Think about it; if Tom Waits didn’t have a full head of hair, his music would go from dark, mysterious chantey songs to an old, lonely bald man getting sick in a deli. If that doesn’t make sense, just say it out loud to someone else around you and you’ll totally get the joke.
Well, so what if I’m going bald? Plenty of brilliant men, scientists, actors, presidents have been bald and gone on to do great things. They went to college, though. I should have gone to college. Well, that’s okay too; I’ll just go back. I could stay in the dorms! College kids won’t be cruel at all to a Twenty Five year old bald man with a chip on his shoulder and an entry-level education, right?
Plus, just think of all the Halloween costume ideas! Well, there’s Elmer Fudd! Bald Spiderman… bald Luke Skywalker… and Nicolas Cage. How did that guy get a career again?
That’s when my career choice hit me again! It was right after I threw up all the Chinese food and mistook a cigarette for a candy cigarette when I realized that I have two very viable options ahead of me. I can either be a blockbuster movie stuntman (the wigs will bond perfectly to my hairless scalp), or a spy for the government (I can blind other spies by reflecting the sun off of my head). Oh, or a hit man; they’re always bald. Or a clown. Oh God, I might be turning in to a clown.
Really, I should have seen it coming. You know when growing up you notice the trends which all of the adult males in your life go through and wonder which ones will affect you in your later life? Alcoholism costs too much money, and I already spend all of my hard-earned cash fixing things of other people’s which I accidentally break. Bald should have been number one; we Koester men have very lumpy heads.
That brings me to my real point here; stop being so superficial, people. This society has gone on long enough idolizing looks, and it’s about time for change. From now on, I want you to step outside every day, ignore whatever spooky homeless man you see pretending a dead dog is a living turtle, and appreciate every man and woman for his or her God given hairless talent! After all, monks don’t have hair, and God likes them more than you. It’s scientific fact. Now that my hair is quickly fading, all I have to do is get a talent, and I’ll be well on my way to all of my wildest dreams coming true.
I take full credit for this strange, anonymous picture I found on Google.