Walking into a grocery store, I look like I've totally given up. My hair is fucked up and disheveled, I'm wearing sweat pants and a stretched out t-shirt with what might be a million stains. Maybe mustard stains.
I look like every stupid cliché of a fat, single, loser who has completely given up on life.
But guess what, morons, I just came from the gym!
I own you!
Since the beginning of the year, I've been one of those creepy dudes you try not to make eye contact with at the gym! I go to the gym!
For years I've been an on-again, off-again sort of health guy. You definitely wouldn't know it to look at me (I'm big) but of you look at random pictures of me taken in the past 5 years, there's a lot of slimming down and blowing up going on. Hell, at one point I was technically just chubby!
For the past year I've been full-blown fat, though, and like every other time when I've noticed the weight, I'm making an effort to get healthy.
It's amazing, I really do find that whenever I finally discover that I'm fat as hell, it's like flipping a switch: I pay attention to the food I'm eating, I work out. Inevitably that method of operation falls by the wayside again, but by the time that happens, hopefully I've lost just enough weight to allow another year of eating too much pizza.
Bobby, on the other hand, is the kind of person who can eat whatever he wants, and stay thin. Worse than that, for the past few months, he's actively been trying to gain weight. Asshole.
We usually grab something to eat before we record the show, and for a couple of weeks, when he'd come to town, he'd get two sandwiches.
Two foot-long sandwiches.
He had Eyebrows Lady make him two entire sandwiches! (Side note: this also means he ate double the amount of stuff Eyebrows Lady touched)
Did you know that, as an adult, there's really nobody to tell you not to eat a huge bag of potato chips? Did you know that, at any time really, you can just go to a store and buy all the candy bars? There's nothing stopping you! You don't get in trouble for deciding you want to eat a pint of Americone Dream (Stephen Colbert's Ben & Jerry's ice cream) or get a couple cheese quesadillas from Taco Bell. Although I heard you can be arrested...cardiacally!!! (that joke works, and I'm a fucking genius)
I'll tell you a true story about my experience with Taco Bell. Maybe 6 or 7 years ago, I used to eat a nearly inhuman amount of fast-food. Seriously, it was like the movie Super Size Me was playing on a loop, except it's a special edit where the guy never decides to quit and he doesn't have a mustache (yet). I used to go to Taco Bell and get a steak quesadilla and a Cheesy Gordita Crunch. In case you aren't aware, those things are fucking amazing. I usually would park in the lot, in a space farthest from where there could possibly be foot traffic, and eat like a shameful pig.
One day, while on my way to a party, I stopped at Taco Bell to get my bag of shit to eat, and parked in an out-of-the-way spot, as usual. Halfway through the quesadilla, a car pulled up and parked in the spot right next to me. I immediately put the food down on the passenger seat for fear of being seen doing what a lot of fat people do. I figured I'd just wait for the person next to me to get out of their car and go inside, and then I'd resume my cheese-feast.
Except they didn't leave.
I looked over and saw a pretty girl getting into a burrito costume! (Obviously that's not what happened, but I had written "pretty girl getting into a burrito" and couldn't help myself from writing "costume").
So there we were, two similarly gross people, going nuts on fake mexican food, both alone. I did what came natural:
I got uncomfortable, thought to myself "fucking freak," and pulled out of the parking lot, finishing my food on the way to the party.
I'm telling you this story for a reason, I am a fucking freak and I really really need to get my shit in order. I'm feeling pretty good otherwise. I feel creative again for the first time in a long time, I'm being respectful to the people in my life (I think), and aside from some light mental illness, I'm a happy guy! If I can just get my priorities straight in terms of the food I eat, I'll feel even more entitled to be an asshole on the podcast. I can't wait!
Ricky Gervais has a stand up bit from a few years ago, while he was still overweight, in which he talks about how evidently only 2% of the population can claim they're overweight because of a glandular problem. The rest just eat too much. He broke it down into the basic math of it: you ingest more calories than you burn off. I don't know what backlash he may have received from that bit, but as a fat guy, I personally saw it as a really empowering simplification of what I do. It's not an insurmountable problem you can't get over, it's a math equation. He may have been saying that fat people shouldn't complain about being fat, but what he meant (I think) was "stop making excuses." A few years later, he put his money where his mouth was and got in shape, himself.
You know how sometimes you'll go out to dinner with your friends, and a fat friend will just order a salad, and not finish it? It's because they're pretty sure you're paying attention to what they're eating (I have done this). I don't know whether or not that's true, but I do know that this means your friend is really insecure. I personally don't give a fuck about how big anyone else is, as long as they don't live their life afraid and ashamed of it, but for me, personally, I'm pretty sick of being concerned with how I appear to other people, so I really think it's time to try not to just lose enough weight to justify eventually eating again, it's time to just live a little different. I've had 25 years of reckless fatness. That's a pretty long time to do whatever you want. And it's a cliché (for a reason), but food isn't love (except evidently it is: Huggable Vending Machine).
Maybe it's the changing of seasons. It's getting warmer, the earth is a little greener (literally), shit's blooming, and when that happens, a lot of people inevitably start making decisions about getting healthy. Maybe that's exactly why I'm talking about this and feeling the way I am, but even if that's the case, I'll take advantage of that feeling for as long as possible. Otherwise it'd be like walking past a dollar bill on the ground. Sure, it might have poop on it, but a dollar is a dollar. I'm pretty sure that's a poor metaphor, but you know what I mean.
So in that grocery store, with me looking like total shit, and looking like I've come straight from playing video games in my parents' basement (note: I actually might have), I'm going to start taking solace in the knowledge that I look the way I do not because I've given up, but because I'm starting to try.
Full Disclosure: The actual reason I was at that grocery store was because my girlfriend and I left the gym early to get dinner.
If you have no idea who the fuck Eyebrows Lady, get to know her: WBKE - Episode 6: Crazy People Part 1
And here's that Ricky Gervais bit: Ricky Gervais on Fat People
Here's a SECOND Ricky Gervais bit I JUST found in which he basically says everything I just said (except he said it first as a huge celebrity). It's him talking about his previous bit, from the perspective of a thin man. Pretty cool (viewer discretion advised): Ricky Gervais - Fat People
Feel free to comment with fat jokes!