I commonly talk about how I hate everything, but I'm happy to report that I don't think that's true. I hate a lot of stuff, sure, but definitely not everything. As a matter of fact, every once in a while, I look around and have to acknowledge that most people are more respectful and intelligent than I would expect. And like every other moment in my life when I feel at peace, something fucking moronic pops up that reminds me that people appear respectful and intelligent because they aren't saying exactly what they want to say, or doing exactly what they want to do. If you're at the grocery store, or you're at work, the people you see tend to keep to themselves, for the most part. Most people don't walk up to you and say something crazy. And that's because they're all just waiting to get home and go online before they say exactly what they're thinking or what they've been up to.
There's a website called F My Life, which basically everyone is aware of, but if you aren't, all you need to know is that it's where people go to post something that happened to them that sucked. It always ends with "FML," for "fuck my life." Here's a good example of a normal one:
There's a common format: "I did something expecting certain result. The result I got was surprising and shitty. FML"
People then vote as to whether or not you deserve those results. It's a simple system.
Like all simple systems, however, people have found a way to fuck it up and annoy me.
Look at this one I just saw:
This is so stupid and weird. It's this guys' own fault that he's humming a Skrillex song. Regardless of his overall opinion of Skrillex, he must like that song! And everyone agreed that he has a right to complain?! Bullshit! This guy is a moron.
Every once in a while, I come across a stupid person's FML and I "star" it on Google Reader. So I thought maybe I'd share a few of the FML's posted by people who have no one to blame but themselves, either because they did something stupid, or because they are just dumb.
Bigger applause at the end of a concert means you did a good job, idiot. No one is allowed to complain about this.
You can't complain about something you consciously decided to do. More than that, I'm betting you didn't get the card to feel wanted, you got the card, you were feeling moody, and then you posted about it online all blown out of proportion to get people to pay attention to you. It worked, which is unbelievable. Congratulations.
This next one was actually deleted from the website, but I still have it saved. You're going to have to trust me here, this is real, I swear:
Today, I realized exactly how lonely I was when I typed "I love you" into Google Translate, just so I could click the listen button and hear someone actually say it to me. FML
I have no way of knowing whether or not people agreed with this guy that his life sucks or not, but if I had to guess, everyone sided with him, because everyone is stupid. And this is stupid. And I'm annoyed further.
You actually decided to go to a Hooters, and worse than that, you went expressly because you wanted to be served by ladies with big boobs. When that didn't work out, you were disappointed enough to write about it online? And everyone agrees that your life sucks because of that? Maybe it's good that you have such low standards.
Wait, you got the outside of your lower lip tattooed? Why were you under the impression that tattoos fade? The reason we have Temporary Tattoos and call them temporary is because the alternative is a permanent tattoo. You deserve this, dummy. Thankfully people were able to see that as well.
Here's the last one, and it's a fucking doozy. It's incredible in how many layers of stupidity go into this:
Today, I went to McDonalds and ordered a happy meal with a girl's toy. The high school girls behind the counter said I was too old to be served one, and I had to go home and explain to my sick daughter why she didn't get her toy. FML
There is absolutely no way that McDonald's told you what not to order.
There is no way that some cashier put their hands on their hips and stared you down because they, for some reason, thought you wanted the girl's toy for yourself.
However, let's assume that's exactly that happened: You didn't explain to them that it was for your daughter? And then when you went home you explained to your kid that both McDonald's is shockingly rigid about who they give toys to and that you're a strangely cowardly person?
I'm not buying for one minute that this would be your kid's ONLY toy by the way. It's not like her happiness was truly dependent upon getting a My Little Pony.
Again, let's assume that's exactly the situation: Why didn't you go to another store and get a shitty little toy and pass it off? This whole thing just screams, "I forgot to ask for a toy, and when asked by my wife why I didn't have it, I blurted out a stupid excuse which, once said out loud, I have to stick to."
And wait a minute, did they give you everything in the kids meal except for the toy? Your story has fallen apart sir, and I think you posted this online to somehow legitimize your story to your wife, "Honey, if I was lying, would I have put it online??"
Why are people siding with this fuck up? Almost eleven THOUSAND people feel bad for this guy that supposedly some bored 17-year-old McDonald's cashier put their foot down that they DO NOT GIVE TOYS TO ADULTS!?
How is that possible??
I'm actually annoyed now, so I'm going to stop posting these.
I know it's unreasonable to be so grumpy over this bullshit, but I find it unbelievable, and no matter what, I'm definitely right about how stupid these are, right?