A girl just shrieked in this coffee shop and cried.

I think it might be because she was the victim of one of those trick GIFs on the internet- you know the ones where you're instructed to focus very closely on an image only to have a scary zombie head jump out at you and make a loud noise. It's either that or she thought of ghosts or something scary. On to the point! It's halfway through July, and that means Christmas is fast approaching, and I pride myself on my gift-giving abilities! Have a witch friend? Get a few crystals or You Don't Know Jack. Don't know what to get a chef? Go to a grocery store for some peppers or a knife or something. Know someone who's afraid of red pandas? Don't buy a red panda. Japanese girl living on her own? BUY HER A RED PANDA.

Now, last year I was ready to flex my gift-giving muscle when I was struck down by a 23 year old girlfriend who still made a detailed christmas list and sent it to her friends and family. She also still called her mother "mommy," which was made even stranger given her teeny stature and my love for wearing diapers. I'm not saying we were both children, but call us young at heart and you've made a new friend. It's this man. He is young at heart. JUST LOOK AT THOSE BALLOONS WHY AM I SO FRIGHTENED.

I may not have made a Christmas list since I was eleven years old, which has instilled in me an apparent attention to detail when giving and receiving gifts. Maybe I should from now on, though. Perhaps it was my lack of a defined list which caused my gifts to range from a few books I already had and especially disliked to a few candybars and ear muffs.

So, without much more pontification, below is a detailed list of a few life goals for the year, as well as where I started and hope to be in the next five months. In the best of worlds, it will steer some of you in the right direction and provide a little insight for the coming winter.

Dear Santa, Not for lack of trying, but I haven't pooped since Thursday. It is now Monday. Please, why can't I poop? I love you.

xoxoxoxoxoxo Bobby

     Well, there you have it. Time to go pretend to be human in public!