Bobby's Posts

WBKE - Super Secret Special Episode: Bobby Edition

Hello game/car/pod friends out there! If you follow our show AND I KNOW YOU DO, you'll know that last week, I (Bobby) was to present my solo cast, as Will took a week off from the show. I did not do that, however, because I was a pussy wussy and couldn't actually get my computer to work. WHICH is most of the problem regarding the extreme lateness in posting this episode tonight! Click on DIS to listen directly in your browser!

That's right, I'm now presenting my solo show, done alone in my room hovering right above a mess of soggy tacos I had delivered to my apartment. This week's show is a little shorter, not as funny, a little more out there, but still definitely entertaining. If one thing's come of it, at least I've gotten used to using garage band and what microphone settings do what!

And DIS is itunes!

SO Don't forget to email us at willandbobby@gmail.com

Tweet us: http://twitter.com/willrogers2000 http://twitter.com/bobbykoester

     Facebook us all over the world directly into your eyeballs and (hopefully) one day, your robot brain at http://facebook.com/willandbobby And follow me on instagram, @bigmommashouse2

 

GOOD NIGHT!

This Week On Reddit: Saturday, December 22nd.

This week, someone posted a link to a youtube video where in which a man recorded 1 second of video every day for a year. Remember Noah Kalina, that weird guy with the sunken in eyes and crazy hair (hi Noah) and project where he took a photo of himself every day for something ridiculous like six years and compiled them? Set to some evocative classical music written by his girlfriend, the video was quick to make it into a goddamn hallmark commercial. This is not that video, however.No, indeed put away your Kleenex and don’t worry about locking yourself in your room to sob quietly into a pillow just like every other night. This video is much more boring. But, if you like to watch a dozen shots of an old Asian man eating dinner, some nerds playing Magic: The Gathering, a woman in a hospital for fifteen days, and then some random shots of animals that you don’t actually have enough time to focus on, and then the occasional awkward person looking at the camera, this video is for you.

In other news, someone finally solved one of the biggest quandaries mankind has been faced with for ten years. Read here all about how you shouldn't buy a dildo off of craigslist, especially if you’re gay and under 18. Strange that no one thought about not buying dildos off of craigslist before. Also look out for my cock ring etsy page coming soon.

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With all of this gun violence as of late, gun control is back on reddit. Recently, as you can see in this baby here Mortal Kombat was blamed for all of the school shootings in the past twenty years. I'd like to point out that Mortal Kombat had no guns. Okay maybe that one guy had a gun in the 3rd one, but it never killed anyone? This country hasn't heard anything about gun violence since... the batman movie came out?

What people don't realize is that these are hot topics in the news for now until: 1. Nothing is done about them for too long, 2. Someone takes drugs and eats another person's face off, or 3. Some cute bear is drunk in the news. Here, some man's scary uncle Erik (see crazy Swiss metal band members who change C's to K's) finally came out and said what everyone's been thinking for years; modding your car to look like a space ship is a waste of money and also makes you look like a retard. I don't care if you have a racer-X mask, if you put a wing on a 99 Dodge Cargo Van, or if you flash gang symbols outside of the NASCAR Store (There's actually a live action version of this at a mall near my hometown. At least there was when I was 16). Isn't it a little abrasive to make sure your sport is actually written in all caps always? Also, in this gentle little post he pretty much dishes out the advice of spending the money on a set of tools and learning how the fuck your car works, which is crazy Swedish for "man up." Bullying at it's finest. Everything else sucked, but someone posted some nudes and a picture of Link from the Zelda franchise kissing Princess Zelda. Awesome. Oh, also it's the 22nd and the world didn't end yesterday, so you can all suck a bean if you spent your life savings on an apocalypse shelter. Maybe the Mayan translation for apocalypse is actually "pudgy white morons arguing about guns and Christmas."

 This Week On Reddit - September 8th through the 14th!

Welcome to the very first installment of This Week On Reddit, where I boldly journey to the nether reaches of Reddit to find stupid things! Let's get right to it, because Battlestar Galactica isn't going to watch itself. Our friends over at http://www.gosphynx.com/ have put a few seasonal sweaters on their frightening hairless cats in support of the First Annual Cat Video contest. For more information on how to acquire a scary looking hairless cat monster, solve that weird metal box puzzle from the 80’s horror movie Hell Raiser and let the hilarity ensue. Now, while thousands initially showed up for the screening internet-wide voting officially closed on September 7th. If you're upset you missed it, don't worry; you also didn’t have to go to the Annual Cat Video Film Festival. Fair spoiler alert warning: googling anything on this contest leads to an endless rabbit hole of cat videos culminating in scary pictures of 45 year old boy scouts.

Just wanted to let you all know about this picture of a little polar bear baby, which of courses made me happy.

A huge win for South Korea this week! Wired uk writes here about the growing problem Creationism is posing to South Korean schools. In a wonderful victory for science and logic, a panel of experts deemed evolution completely viable and teachable for their school system, in turn publicly telling Kirk Cameron to fuck off. I wonder why there haven't been more evangelists traveling the world and spreading the word of Kim Jong Il or his father Kim Il-Sung. Oh, right- it's because they're not allowed to leave their country. Well played North Korea.

One friendly genius posed a simple question which can be found here. Why don't all televisions have buttons which make the remote beep? Well, it makes sense that the only place a remote could really go is in your hand or under the couch. I guess you could find it in a fridge or a toilet, but who would want that? Don't try and wrap your brain around that sentence, America. Now, the real purpose for writing about this banal post comes just a dozen posts down.

beepbutton

I'm genuinely not sure how I should feel about this. Are these people siblings? Are all three of them victims of child abuse? What is a beep-button? Did dad beat you with a belt? Or is the beep-button your ass or something? Now I want a beep-button. :/

Let's see here... Ah, yes. Take a look at this and try and tell me JD doesn't have the weirdest hair line you've EVER seen.

Somewhere along the Technology route, TV's fattest asshole around, Jimmy Kimmel expressed some gripe about the minds of us young consumers. It was his claim, in the video which can be seen here that if we are given something that's supposed to be cool and sleek, we will assume it is without actually knowing why. He took to the streets with an Iphone 4s, claimed it to be the Iphone 5, and the hilarity ensued. He's the damnedest! Of course this sort of thing happens all the time, the most recent case being one where an average as average dude went to the streets of tourist central NYC and hired a fake paparazzi to follow him around. He fooled seemingly dozens of people in the short clip which you all can find by googling whatever the fuck I'm talking about. I would have watched the entirety of Jimmy Kimmel's stupid video, but I quickly realized no one cares about Jimmy Kimmel beyond his obvious health issues, so I decided to write this instead. Hi, Jimmy!

Over in Japan yesterday, the Wii U had some quick news! Now, this was all in Japanese, and I wanted to challenge myself, so the contents of the video I explain here are my best description of what I assume was said. So! It seems the basic console will ship for $299.99, will be 20x more powerful than the original funny white box from five years ago, and will require a blood sacrifice to initially register the device, which in turn will also void the warranty. No, I'm just kidding- this is Nintendo we're talking about, not Microsoft. Nerd humor!

Winding down this week's blood and gore, a government official was killed along with 10 other citizens in Lybia, but that's Lybia; what did you expect? Flowers? In Lybia? What a nice vacation location... in Lybia.

Something a little more unsettling has happened in Texas, this week. One redditer linked us to the article which you can find here which states that police, after having their cruiser backed into by a rogue pickup truck, emptied 41 rounds in to the driver's body. As the article points out, this means the officer would have to reload at least once while making sure the man got out of his truck? While there were no injuries to the passenger of the vehicle, eye-witness reports claim the police then sent a dog in to retrieve the driver, who was bitten on the neck and face in order to be dragged out of the cab. Now, at that point the corpse was handcuffed and the passenger of the truck had her phone confiscated which had detailed photos of the altercation. The photos were subsequently deleted before the phone was returned to her, and the coriner has yet to figure out what the hell could have caused this man to die! Spoiler alert: it was bullets.

That's all I have for this week's essay, and I am sure it couldn't end any sooner. In any case, humanity's survival rests in my TV's hands, and I must return to her. I'll leave you with this: As one funny Swedish redditer points out here there indeed is blood everywhere... mostly in our bodies, but still. That's amazing. Fuck you, Sweden. I wanted to think of that

Thanks again, Reddit!

Well, after years of falling down various youtube rabbit holes, after years of realizing it's 3:00 am and I've been watching other people play video games for hours, after violently waking up to find a seemingly endless supply of Chinese food caked to my entire body which in turn has been caked to the couch, I've finally made my way over to the Legend of Zelda page on Reddit. That being said, I"ve found some real beauties. As apparent here, when asked whether or not one could conquer the quest in Ocarina of Time (which is to stop while you still can) given one's current physical condition, one adult child said he "...would probably just end up chilling with Gorons or Zoras the whole time." This is fantastic news, everyone. Finally, we can rest assured that someone out there other than William wants to chill with Gorons or Zoras the whole time. View the full thread here, but remember: you can never come baaaaaack.

I hate everything.

A girl just shrieked in this coffee shop and cried.

I think it might be because she was the victim of one of those trick GIFs on the internet- you know the ones where you're instructed to focus very closely on an image only to have a scary zombie head jump out at you and make a loud noise. It's either that or she thought of ghosts or something scary. On to the point! It's halfway through July, and that means Christmas is fast approaching, and I pride myself on my gift-giving abilities! Have a witch friend? Get a few crystals or You Don't Know Jack. Don't know what to get a chef? Go to a grocery store for some peppers or a knife or something. Know someone who's afraid of red pandas? Don't buy a red panda. Japanese girl living on her own? BUY HER A RED PANDA.

Now, last year I was ready to flex my gift-giving muscle when I was struck down by a 23 year old girlfriend who still made a detailed christmas list and sent it to her friends and family. She also still called her mother "mommy," which was made even stranger given her teeny stature and my love for wearing diapers. I'm not saying we were both children, but call us young at heart and you've made a new friend. It's this man. He is young at heart. JUST LOOK AT THOSE BALLOONS WHY AM I SO FRIGHTENED.

I may not have made a Christmas list since I was eleven years old, which has instilled in me an apparent attention to detail when giving and receiving gifts. Maybe I should from now on, though. Perhaps it was my lack of a defined list which caused my gifts to range from a few books I already had and especially disliked to a few candybars and ear muffs.

So, without much more pontification, below is a detailed list of a few life goals for the year, as well as where I started and hope to be in the next five months. In the best of worlds, it will steer some of you in the right direction and provide a little insight for the coming winter.

Dear Santa, Not for lack of trying, but I haven't pooped since Thursday. It is now Monday. Please, why can't I poop? I love you.

xoxoxoxoxoxo Bobby

     Well, there you have it. Time to go pretend to be human in public!

I Am My Father's Son... My Father's Genius Son.

     Yesterday, I was going about my normal morning routine of finding my pants wherever I'd kicked them off to in my sleep, catching pigeons in the park and eating their feathers when I saw something hilarious happen in my mind. It's not very important what it was (whoopie cushion). What's important anyway, is that I laughed. It wasn't my normal laugh, though! I laughed exactly how my father has laughed for at least the past 25 years I've been alive excluding wolf moons, leap days, and whenever he wears green. What's even more uncanny is the fact I was wearing green that day!Now, up until last year I would have hated this. I would have jumped immediately out of that weird lake, climbed that orange mesh fencing, and started work on changing my entire persona- that is, until I realized I finally get my dad. This last year alone I have picked up snoring and nearly dying in my sleep, have lost 30% more hair since January than I usually lose per year, and have noticed my mustache is finally coming in just as well as all the cool kids who spell it 'moustache' and live around me. I had an idea to write a joke in here about someone’s backwards hat growing in quite nicely, but I couldn’t figure out how to word it. That’s why it’s just thrown in here. The only drawback to all of this is my height's inevitable diminishing, my alcoholism developing, and a small rage problem later on in life. Is that such a big price to pay for such a nice mustache, though? I think not. But there's a larger point to be made here! A very funny man once said 'we mock that which we are to be." Can anyone tell me what this means? www.willandbobby@gmail.com As a pioneer in a world of smart asses, I have been the bane of my father's mature, adult existence for quite some time now. What does this mean for my own future? Am I to hang up my towel and never expect to hear exasperated sighs when I enter a conversation? What will become of anyone with a genuine insight or point to make? Who will be left to slap me if I am no longer slappable? What my grand point and what you readers can take out of all of this exposition really is is this: cherish the time you spend with your parents now, while you don't understand them; sooner or later you're going to become them and all your rebellious years will be wasted otherwise. Of course, you can always just say 'fuck it' and live however you want. Who the fuck am I to say how you should live your life? My dad- that's who I am.

tl;dr: who wants to get matching denim jackets and start a gang with me? We can get mini bikes and call ourselves The Ghoulies.

tltl;drdr: The Ghoulies.Image

Bald Like Me

I was filling my jacket with crumpled up pieces of paper for warmth this morning when I caught a glimpse of myself in a dirty mirror behind my apartment. In between winking and giving myself the thumbs up, I noticed something very strange about my appearance. I have Nicolas Cage’s hairline. Needless to say, I called out of work and binged on three pints of ice cream and a Netflix marathon of whatever the Charlie Sheen’s show is called. A Man A Baby and Me? That’s the one. Well, you see that’s when it hit me! There, between my second and third nap just after the Chinese food guy yelled at me for giggling and asking him why they didn’t give me a real poopoo platter, I realized something crucially important to my life up to now. The podcast, the comedy duo with Will, none of it’s going to work out. You see, Will is also going bald, and everyone knows that any good duo has one funny bald one and a clean-cut straight man. Which one of us will be in the spot light, and which one of us will hide behind the curtain ringing the chapel bell and cursing all of the pretty girls I’ve never gotten to sleep with? The bald man is just funnier by default. Think about it; if Tom Waits didn’t have a full head of hair, his music would go from dark, mysterious chantey songs to an old, lonely bald man getting sick in a deli. If that doesn’t make sense, just say it out loud to someone else around you and you’ll totally get the joke.

Well, so what if I’m going bald? Plenty of brilliant men, scientists, actors, presidents have been bald and gone on to do great things. They went to college, though. I should have gone to college. Well, that’s okay too; I’ll just go back. I could stay in the dorms! College kids won’t be cruel at all to a Twenty Five year old bald man with a chip on his shoulder and an entry-level education, right?

Plus, just think of all the Halloween costume ideas! Well, there’s Elmer Fudd! Bald Spiderman… bald Luke Skywalker… and Nicolas Cage. How did that guy get a career again?

That’s when my career choice hit me again! It was right after I threw up all the Chinese food and mistook a cigarette for a candy cigarette when I realized that I have two very viable options ahead of me. I can either be a blockbuster movie stuntman (the wigs will bond perfectly to my hairless scalp), or a spy for the government (I can blind other spies by reflecting the sun off of my head). Oh, or a hit man; they’re always bald. Or a clown. Oh God, I might be turning in to a clown.

Really, I should have seen it coming. You know when growing up you notice the trends which all of the adult males in your life go through and wonder which ones will affect you in your later life? Alcoholism costs too much money, and I already spend all of my hard-earned cash fixing things of other people’s which I accidentally break. Bald should have been number one; we Koester men have very lumpy heads.

That brings me to my real point here; stop being so superficial, people. This society has gone on long enough idolizing looks, and it’s about time for change. From now on, I want you to step outside every day, ignore whatever spooky homeless man you see pretending a dead dog is a living turtle, and appreciate every man and woman for his or her God given hairless talent! After all, monks don’t have hair, and God likes them more than you. It’s scientific fact. Now that my hair is quickly fading, all I have to do is get a talent, and I’ll be well on my way to all of my wildest dreams coming true.

Screw that. I’m just going to start a new cult: The Reformed Church of Bald. It turns out Jesus had that long hair so he could comb it over his bald spot.Image

I take full credit for this strange, anonymous picture I found on Google.

New Website, Old Podcasts!

Welcome to our brand new website! This is where Bobby and I are going to be posting content that we can't really do on the podcast itself!

Bobby and I are going to be posting things we've seen around the internet, stupid shit that pops into our heads, and also brand new video content about once a month.

So add this site to your favorites, put it in your bookmarks bar, or add it to your RSS feed!

You'll notice on the side bar that you can click on different categories.

Click on "Will and Bobby Know Everything" to get posts specifically about the podcast. Each week there will be a post about a new episode with possible background information or pictures.

You can also click on "Will Rogers" to get content written specifically by me, or "Bobby" for content specifically written by him.

In case you're new to this whole thing, below I've added links to each show we've already done. Just click on an episode to listen straight from your browser, or search for "WBKE" on iTunes or Stitcher (which is a free smart phone app) to find the show and listen on an iPod or phone!

But remember to check out a NEW episode of WBKE coming this Sunday!

SNEAK PEEK: WBKE - Episode 1 (In case you want to try us out before you commit)

WBKE - Episode 1: Public Speaking

WBKE - Episode 2: Crime

WBKE - Episode 3: The Work Force

WBKE - Episode 4: Dating

WBKE - Episode 5: The Supernatural

WBKE - Episode 6: Crazy People Part 1

Thanks! And remember that you can send any comments, questions, or REQUESTS TO HOST A FUTURE EPISODE to us directly at WillAndBobby@gmail.com