essay

Me and My Murderer

Hey guys, for background reading, I decided to post a story I've previously written, because this week's episode of Will and Bobby Know Everything (on iTunes) is all about this event. This story happened back in February (2012), and it's fucking insane. So read this story and then consider this week's podcast the audiobook version. With bonus info. Holy shit. Here we go: I’m a bully.

At least, I was.

I might still be, but that’s not the point.

I’m not going to justify myself, or make it seem like my bullying ways were legitimate or fair, or excusable, but I’ll tell you right up front that I didn’t intend to be a bully. I meant to be the funny guy.

It’s a popular myth that bullies are afraid of the people they attack, but I think that’s actually an accidental result of the mocking rather than the immediate cause.

Bullies attack people that are just different, it’s that basic.

It’s where racism comes from.This post isn’t expressly about me, but I’ll tell you a quick story about myself:When I was 17, I was sitting in stand-still traffic, in the right most lane. I was listening to music and hanging out, when I saw a big muscular black guy walking up the side of the road. Before I knew what happened, I instinctively locked the doors of the car.

My heart sank…

What did I just do!? Did I assume this guy was going to try to steal my car and sit in the traffic?? Was I a racist? What the fuck??

I was seriously worried that I had just revealed myself to be a bigot. I thought about it a lot.

A few months later, I found myself sitting in more traffic. In the right most lane again. Listening to music. This time I looked up and saw a little old white lady walking up the side of the road. Before I knew what happened, my hand reached out and locked the doors again.

HOORAY!

I’M NOT RACIST, I’M JUST AFRAID OF EVERYTHING!

Especially little quiet people who wear bow-ties. Which brings me to my story:

There’s a guy that I used to be friends with on Facebook, who, for the sake of this story, I’ll refer to as “Elmer.”

Elmer is a fucking asshole.

On Facebook, Elmer is constantly posting statuses, usually around three times a day, which are typically centered around how abortion should be made illegal, and how any non-Christian is a fool. He posts about how “boughetto” (a crude word which is a combination of “bourgeoisie” and “ghetto”) people are loud and stupid and annoying. He frequently deals in stereotypes about black people. On Martin Luther King day, he posted something fucking crazy about having the day off and whether or not it’s deserved, and how MLK Jr. himself would say “ni**er please” in regards to…something…

Elmer has blocked me on facebook, so I can’t easily quote the post, but if I can find a way to quote the “ni**er please” post in the future, I’ll add it in. If you’re friends with this prick and you can find it, send me a screen cap at WillAndBobby@gmail.com!

Anyway, I find him infuriating. He’s a bully. And so I fucking bully him.

Most of the time I just post asinine shit.

For example:

Last week he posted something about how he couldn’t wait to go home and have his “supper.”

I thought it was absurd that he called dinner “supper,” so at first I was going to post, “You call it ‘supper’?”

But it didn’t seem funny enough.

So then I was about to write, “Oh boy, I love ‘supper...’”

But then it wasn’t weird enough (that’s important to me), so I finally posted, “Oh no, my supper is cold :( “

Perfect!

It’s fucking stupid and irrelevant and not worth getting angry at, while still being weird and funny. And he mostly used to let me get away with just posting weird shit on his page, which was part of the fun.

Not all my posts have been benign though. I’ve called him out about threatening people.

A year ago, he wrote about how he never forgets the people who wronged him, and how one day they’ll pay for it.

It set me off. And I wrote something along the lines of, “So you’re threatening people now? I guess someday we’ll see your face in the papers.”

He went OFF! He freaked out and wrote a long post about how I had compared him to Jared Lee Loughner (a comparison which I didn’t intend, but nonetheless find accurate).

I was mostly worried that I might lose the place where I posted absurd bullshit. And this guy is an accidental comedic genius.

That seems like a good enough background to explain what happened a couple of days ago.

Elmer posted this:

How’s that for some racist bullshit?!
Really, the fact that black people were once discriminated against and hated means that black people should have learned not to be rude to anybody?
If you’re going to use the argument that racism should have an effect on how black people “should” act, it would be that THEY ARE FREE TO DO WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY LIKE after white people did whatever the fuck they liked!
You stupid asshole!
You racist piece of shit!
You bow-tie-wearing human trash!
Now I’m not trying to big myself up or make my role in this world more significant than it is…And YES, I am (or WAS) willingly friends with Elmer, who I would usually just mock with goofy bullshit, but man this set me off.
He was seeming to revel in his own bullshit and awfulness. His anger is well documented. And more than that, he has people who read his bullshit and agree with him. I don’t presume I’m going to change the world, but I also can’t look at small-minded shit like this and move on. I wanted to call him out on his fucking prejudice.
At first I wrote, “Hey [Elmer], which do you hate more: racism or black people?” But I ended up deleting that and coming up with “It’s a good thing white people and Asian people aren’t rude at all.”
Compared to what I was originally going to write, that’s nothing. Even still, I received a fucking frantic, lunatic, rapid fire, SUPER angry response back about how I had twisted his words and how I was spouting “fallacies,” which is a bullshit old-world, biblical term meaning “falsehoods.”
…Which is also old and biblical.
Fuck…
Anyway, he went on to attack me by saying something along the lines of (I’ll add actual quotes if possible) “how do you know I won’t post something negative about white people or Asians in the future.”
To put it bluntly, he’s a defensive nut.
I wrote back “Feel free to surprise me but…” and I went on to point out that even if he eventually posts about how white people can be rude in the modern world, he’s currently talking about specifically black people…who he has written about before…in the same shitty negative tone.
I’ll say it now: Go fuck yourself  ”Elmer.”
After this most recent outburst, where I blatantly point out his racism, he finally decided to block me.
He should have done it years ago.
Unfortunately for me, this son of a bitch gets the best of me here:
He says that I have been antagonizing him for years. And he’s right. I have been. But I’ll say again that it’s because of his misogyny and racism that I lash out.
He also makes a point of saying that he remembers how I treated him in middle school and high school.
Now we’re back to that Jared Lee Loughner bullshit.
What's the point of saying to somebody that you’ll remember them for the way they mistreated you, unless you have some plan for how to get back at them?
I’ll suggest here and now that “Elmer” has, at least in the back of his mind, some idea of lashing out against the people who has wronged him.
Which means that now I have to explain myself:
I bullied Elmer in middle school, and I have to own up to that.
In 8th or 9th grade (I honestly don’t remember), I took a wood-working class which I shared with Elmer.
He was quiet, and I had no reason not to like him, but he shared a work station with me and a girl, whose name I don’t remember.
I flirted with the girl, and we joked around, and we were goofy, and we made fun of anything and everything, including Elmer.
I’ll remind you again that “Elmer” is a nickname for the actual guy. It’s a similar name to the real thing, though, so when I tell you that me and that girl called him “Smellmer,” you may work out what his actual name is.
“Smell” was definitely a part of the name, is what I’m saying.
But it had no true basis.
He wasn’t smelly, he wasn’t weird, he was just quiet and fine.
I’ll tell you right now, that by calling him “Smellmer”, I thought the natural perception was not I was calling Elmer a loser, but that by calling him “Smellmer,” I was calling myself a loser!
It was a joke on a joke.
I thought I was making fun of people who make fun of people.
“Smellmer” is the dumbest, most illogical name in the world, so by using it, I was making fun of people who might actually use it.
But no matter what, whether I intended that fucking stupid name to be hurtful or not, I have to own up to the result, which was evidently that I hurt Elmer’s feelings.
I feel bad about that as a 9th grader. If at all possible, I would definitely send a message to my 15/16 year-old-self saying “leave Elmer alone,” but as a 25 year-old man, I think “fuck you Elmer, you racist fuck.”
So that was middle school. He has every right to say that he remembers how I treated him then, and he has  every right to hate me for it.
But high school? I don’t remember shit about him then! I don’t think I spoke to him at all!
So once again: fuck you Smellmer! You’re talking out of your smelly/racist ass!
No matter what, he posted that thing about how he remembers me for how I “treated” him in middle school and high school, which I interpret to mean he’ll one day show up on my front step with a gun.
I’ll be waiting…To die I guess…Because I don’t think I’ll dodge those bullets like Batman.
Yes.
I was a bully.
10 years ago.
But Elmer is a bully now.
He blocked me, and he’s way smarter than man, and he works for the fucking government, but still I say, “fuck you, you racist piece of shit.”
Honestly though, how awesome will it be if he tries to murder me?
If I’m found dead, seek Smellmer.
Actually, first check if it was a heart attack, I’m pretty overweight. If there are bullet holes, though, drive straight to Smellmer.
If you’re reading this, and you know who “Elmer” REALLY is, then I suggest you go nuts on his wall, denouncing his crazy views. Fuck that asshole and his asshole friends.
Facebook is a public forum. You’re free to think whatever crazy bullshit you want, but when you put it on a public site like that, don’t expect it to be the same as putting it in a journal you keep under your bed. People can see it and respond. Facebook is a place for conversation and debate.
It’s like being at a party, and everyone you know is there, and a few hundred people you’ve never met, and you see someone you used to know and you happen to notice they’re saying something horrible about somebody else. Do you walk up to them and say, “hey man, that’s not cool,” or do you just pretend it didn’t happen?
What I’m saying is that in a moment like that, you feel compelled to do one of those two things: step up or move along.
I couldn’t help myself, so I stepped up. Frankly I wish I had been more brazen and given him more shit.
Life’s too short to let people get away with hurting each other.
The last thing I got to say to Smellmer before the block was that I do regret being a shit head in middle school, but I’m going to call out bullshit when I see it.
He followed up with a fucking knockout punch. He really got me good. He wrote:
“Enjoy spending the rest of your life pretending to be humble while mistreating people.”
Fuck. He was right: I was pretending to be humble and I was accidentally writing like some small-town super-hero.
He’ll never fucking see the last thing I wanted to say to him though, because I was blocked JUST before I could send it…
My last message to Elmer is:
“Thanks!”
Bully the bullies!
Concerns, thoughts, questions, stories? Comment here or email me at WillAndBobby@gmail.com and listen to Episode 18 of Will and Bobby Know Everything to hear more posts from Elmer and to hear what happened just four hours after he blocked me. It's crazy.

Will and Bobby Wrote Something: Part One

On WBKE, Bobby and I have made reference to different scripts that we’ve written, and on the banner of our website, we call ourselves writers, but none of our writing is available anywhere (aside from bullshit about being fat/going bald). From around 2005 to 2011, Bobby and I were co-writers on a number of different concepts, none of which ever went anywhere. Most of them were awful, some of them had merit, and all of them are completely unrealistic right now.

I’m going to start putting them online.

On the 1st of the month, every month, until I run out of material, come here to see a new script, treatment, or concept for the TV shows, movies, and comic books that Bobby and I (sort of) created.

The first piece of material I’m going to post is from the second project Bobby and I really put effort into. There are things that came before this, and I’ll touch on those eventually, but what I’m writing about today is a really great concept that Bobby and I unfortunately came up with a few years too late.

On Episode 12 of the podcast, Bobby and I had Mike Costa and Matt Battaglia on the show and we started to tell this story:

After Bobby and I came up with our first concept for a TV show, a concept that I still fucking love to this day, we were doing research about how to pitch a show. What we read was that, if you are lucky enough to get a meeting, you should go in to the room with not just one but two concepts. The rationale is that, if the network likes you as a writer but maybe they’re already working on a similar project (or maybe they just don’t like that first idea), they’ll be interested to hear what else you have to offer.

In the beginning of 2010, Bobby and I started trying to figure out another show to write. We had already come up with a comedy, and we wanted to branch out.

Eventually, we realized that the only genre you couldn’t really find on TV was horror. I’ve always been a huge horror-nut, and Bobby was into it, so we just had to figure out what sort of horror we wanted to do.

Vampires had already been fucked by the Twilight series, serial killers were (and are) overdone, and we’ve always been huge fans of the George Romero zombie movies (Night/Dawn/Day of the Living Dead),  so ultimately that’s what we went with.

At the time, it felt so fucking brilliant, simple, and obvious. There had never been a television zombie story! It makes perfect fucking sense: zombie movies are commentaries on society. They have a message hidden under all the fucked up biting and gore. More than that, it seemed like a brilliant idea to have a cast of characters that a viewer would grow to love. We’d show them learn about the monsters, try to adapt, have leadership struggles, and try to find a way to survive. It was brilliant. We came up with a unique, clever, new version of zombies, and started writing immediately.

We wrote a treatment, which lays out the overall concept, the characters, the threat, and where the show would go, and we wrote a short script that could serve as a bite-sized representation of the tone. Then we wrote another.

Previously with our comedy show, we’d tried to film a pilot. Realizing that it would be risky and expensive to film this new zombie show, we had an idea:

Instead of filming anything, we decided to have the script made into a comic book.

Movies and TV shows commonly use storyboards to show the progression of a scene. They’re lightly drawn representations of how the show will be shot. We just wanted to push that idea further. With a comic you could get the mood, the timing, you could show how the world would feel. I was excited. Again, this was before the big zombie-boom and it seemed like we had stumbled across television gold.

I told Mike Costa about the idea to make a comic of our script. He’s a graphic designer who had made a few things for me before, and I thought he might be interested. He suggested that I bring the idea to Matt Battaglia instead, saying that it was something that Matt might be more interested in.

I met with Matt at a bar and explained the entire show to him. I read him parts of the treatment. I showed him pages of the script, he nodded along, he was interested, and then he asked me if I’d ever heard of The Walking Dead.

He told me all about it: an ongoing horror story. A cast of characters with conflicts who grow and change. It was announced as a TV show. Based on a comic book.

Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I’d heard that. Maybe we did inadvertently steal the concept, but I really don’t think so. I think we just had the same idea way too late.

It’s also not like we’d have made the show if it weren’t for The Walking Dead. We were (are) just two goofy guys who no one has ever heard of.

We’re not so delusional as to think we’d have been kings off the concept.

It was just a weird coincidence.

It happens.

The most fucking absurd, goofy, cartoonish, and annoying thing? The name of the show we came up with. After telling Bobby and me about The Walking Dead, Matt Battaglia agreed to  draw a potential page from the book.

I’ll post scripts starting next month, but for now, look at this amazing, simple, subtle page.

I love it.

He did a great job.

Now look at the fucking name:

The Dead Don't Walk

Feel free to leave a comment or email WillAndBobby@gmail.com about how unoriginal and stupid we are. And click here to go to Part Two!